Community

I wish I was an expert on anxiety because I spent years studying it due to it's interesting nature - not because I struggle with it daily. I started this blog to get my thoughts out, keep family updated and have a place to talk about what no one wants to talk about, the struggles in life. I have been encouraged by so many people who ask me how I am doing, pray for me, send me cards, shoot me emails, etc. Community helps. The more people that know, the less you are in hiding and the more free you can be. Thank you for reading my thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears.

Other people walking the same road......

"I read one of your blogs about your anxiety issues. I feel like I have some issues with stuff like that. For now, I'm not taking anything which seems to be the best. Taking pills seems to freak me out and make me go kind of crazy. Anyways, the point is.. sometimes I feel lost and freaked out by the world and worried that I am going to scare my wonderful fiance off. Thank you for sharing your stories. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone."

"I know I haven't said anything (or better yet commented) but from the bottom of my heart your blogs have been a blessing to me. For the last 5 years I have struggled with horrible, debilitating anxiety. With a lot of prayer and work it gets better every day. At times breathing was hard and unwanted. Your words of truth and honesty are refreshing."

Share your struggles. Let others help you. Be helpful to others. 

~Erin
 

Broken Vase

                A beautiful vase sat at the on top of a bookshelf. Although it had a handful of chips in the porcelain and a few thin cracks it was in excellent condition. Over the years as the vase sat on the shelf, the door would slam, the dog would run into the bookshelf or the overzealous duster would knock it down. Sometimes it was caught before it fell, other times it would land heavy on the floor below. Each time the vase toppled it grew weaker and weaker as the caretaker never took the time to make the necessary repairs or changes.  After years of being overlooked a small earthquake struck causing the vase to smash to the floor in hundreds of pieces.

                Just like the story above, my sense of self was the vase. If the vase had been properly cared for it would have not been able to stop the earthquake, but it would have been strong enough to withstand the fall. This is a hard lesson and one I am currently learning. Last year an “earthquake” hit my life and my sense of self smashed into hundreds of pieces leaving me to try and pick up each piece and put me back together. My mistake was in thinking that I am the only one that can fix the vase. I’ve tried and I only can repair it to a certain point. It has taken me awhile to realize I need to hand over the pieces and allow the Creator of the vase (not the caretaker) to repair it. I still struggle with letting go of all of the pieces, but know that the vase will never be complete until I do.

                My vase is still broken, but is slowly being repaired. Repairing takes time, energy and knowledge, all of which I must seek Christ for. Whatever your earthquake be in life be reminded to care for your vase and seek the Creator for proper instructions.

              May you be able to withstand the fall in life’s quakes. 

It has been several months. Am I healed? No. Do I still work with my anxiety a lot? Yes. Do I want it to be gone forever? You bet. Over and over I read that routine, good sleep and exercise help anxiety significantly. I have found this to always be true in my life. However, in the last two months a lot has changed and gone on which made my focus on this rather difficult. I am not working this year but finishing my Master's in Human Services with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Counseling. We are in the middle of 4th year med school residency interviews and will be until at least the end of January. Lots of travel. Okay, you are now updated. :)

I often forget about this blog, but recently several people have contacted me asking if I would write more as they struggle with anxiety. Last night I bought a book called "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook." I'm excited to start this and learn more. As I work through this book I will do my best to write down what I learn, think, feel, ect. You are welcome to join me on this journey.

Erin

Snow Globes

I'm not sure why water and glitter trapped in a glass ball is so magical - it just is. Whenever I see a snow globe I properly, gently, turn the object until all of the glitter is resting at the top revealing a clear, uncluttered scene below. Even though it is beautiful as the glitter falls, you can't truly appreciate it, if you don't know the scene below.

During this season of life I have taken time to slowly turn my snow globe (life). Although I know the picture of my life below and have for a long time, I am just now, wiping away some of the glitter to see the details. Details that have and will forever change me.

I'm reading a book right now. I do that a lot - read. Never in my life have I read something and thought - "someone stole my soul and put it on paper." That is, until last weekend. I am 5 pages into this book and my snow globe of a life and been turned over quickly and is revealing my scene - my details. I cried through the first 5 pages, closed the book and prayed - "Thank you for putting someone out there to write my heart - someone braver than me."

So, this is me. I have thought about sharing this for 4 days and decided not to because it was too personal. However, this is my life and it might be yours too. This is a true, raw, honest, naked look at my soul and who I am. I did not write this, but it's as if I did.

                "My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am. I want to be perfect in every situation. I just do. I want to know what to do. I want to know how to do it right. And I want to do it. All. By. My. Big. Self. Not only do I want to do everything perfectly, I want to look perfect while doing it. I want to act perfect and sing perfect and have perfect teeth. I want to parent perfectly, to wife perfectly, and to have a clean house. All the time. 
                 My solution to the disconnect between my perfect, imaginary self and my real-life self is to force life to look the way I want. Somehow. Anyhow. And so I work and I labor and I do the right thing. I stay strong when I feel weak and I fake happy when I want to cry because my ideal image has everything to do with put together and nothing to do with falling apart. 
                  Because I care so much about what you think, my hiding has everything to do with you...If you wonder what gives you the authority to define me, I will say it is because you exist.....
                  This fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage. And so I am cautious in my love. I am timid in my faith. My life tells a small story, however, I feel safe when I'm invisible. So I stay a good girl. And I hide.
                  I hide behind my smile and my laid-back personality. I hide behind "fine" and "good". I hide behind strong and responsible. I hide behind busy and comfortable and working hard toward your expectations. And if I do not meet your expectations, I hide behind indifferent.......
                   I beg you to see me, to notice my goodness, to ignore my failure, to be inspired by my beauty, to be captivated by my essence. 
                    And then there is God. 
                   I know God is big enough to redeem the unruly, the rejected, and the addict. I know about the God who reaches way down into the pit and the One whose love stretches to the heavens. But I fear he misses the details. What about the girl in the middle?....
                   I'm not so sure, so I vow to do everything right: to be a good girl, a good Christian, a good wife...I try hard to measure up to what I believe are his expectations of me...
                   I feel fear. It washes over me with its lies and half-truths....When you reject me, be it real or perceived, I ponder and defend inside my head. And the fear wins a little more of my heart until I discover I am stuck by it, unable to move beyond it. My fear becomes my truth, and if you try to convince me otherwise, I am convinced that you just don't know. You are naive and I am a realist. You are too simple and I am complicated. You are wrong and I am right." 

It may sound ugly, but it's true. It's real. It's 100% how I find myself thinking. But since I read that, and the glitter was moved around so I could see the details, I know everything will change.

Step 1) Realizing you have a problem. - Pride in an ugly ugly way.
Step 2) Change it.

Stay Honest.

Erin

*Book "Grace for the Good Girl" by Emily P. Freeman

And because sign language is beautiful and this song fit perfectly........

Say What You Mean.....

Looking at your life honestly is something that is not anyone's favorite thing to do. We all have faults, failures, regrets, etc. We let people down, we let ourselves down. Why as a society are we so afraid to be wrong? To take responsibility? I'm certainly not immune to it. Here is what I mean....

"I don't have any regrets because everything has made me who I am today." 
                       Sweet thought but I'm going to call your bluff on that one. I have done things I absolutely regret and wish I never did/said/thought. Saying that is putting a bandaid on a scar - you can sure cover it up, but it will always be there. We don't have to live in the regrets, but why not just come out and say, "I screwed up."

"He/She mad me mad."
                       Not possible. You control your emotions. It doesn't mean that person wasn't insensitive or unkind, or just plain annoying, but you decide whether you are going to be mad. 

"Don't feel bad about anything that makes you smile." 
                       Seriously? That's is absurd. I have smiled or laughed one to many times AT people not with them. I have done things so ridiculously dumb I can't help but laugh, but that doesn't mean it was okay. I know what people are intending when they say this, but come on.......

"I'm sorry."
                       Woah! Hang on there Erin......this is something GOOD. Well, yes and no. My students and I have a joke/honest look on this. I always ask, "Are you sorry or just sorry you got caught?" Because here is the thing, saying sorry just to say it means you are lying. Don't say it unless you truly are. (Kid's are usually sorry they got caught :) )

"That was a bad time in my life."
                        That is an honest statement, but why do we phrase it like that? Like we were not attached to anything that happened during that time. 

This is on my mind for many reasons, but one is, I took responsibility for something today that was not easy. I earlier agreed to help a friend with something very important in the hopes that my anxiety would be sufficiently better - it's not. I contacted that friend and had to take responsibility. I had to honestly say, "I do not think I can do this right now. I am not where I want and need to be with my anxiety to help like I said I could. I am sorry."

Here's the kicker.......it made me feel terrible. That's right. I took responsibility and I felt like an awful person. I hate letting people down, but I value people more than lies I could tell. I still do not feel good about it. I feel bad that I said "yes" only to get their hopes up and than let them down. I feel like if I really was a good friend I would help, but I know that I am not in a place that I should right now.

Taking responsibility and being honest is not easy and sometimes it will make you feel worse. But I know, I would rather hear the truth than have someone throw around phrases they don't mean such as, "I'm sorry", "I love you" and "It wasn't my fault."

Here is my challenge to you - be honest. Instead of me saying, "My anxiety is bad today", I really should be saying, "I'm not doing well handling my anxiety today."

Just a thought from a guilty party....

Erin

Lost

LONG POST AHEAD:

The last few months have been rough. I went through some really tough stuff in January and February, which left March to catch my breath and April to sort some things out. Yes, I am very honest and share just about everything with you, however, because this is a public forum there are some issues I need to not share on this blog. But to catch you up, as I'm finding most of you do not know, I took a leave of absence from my teaching job at the end of February/beginning of March until the end of the school year.

Those of you that know me personally can attest that I am a very confident person. I always have been. I've never really questioned who I am or who I want to be. When I took a leave of absence from work, all of this changed. For several days I just cried. I felt like I abandoned my students. Due to the situation, I was unable to tell them I was leaving, say goodbye or wrap things up in a semi nice bow. I was broken. I pour everything I am into my students and to all of the sudden leave crushed my heart. I'm not being dramatic - this was probably up-to-date one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Yes, I am still sad it had to go that way, however, sadness moved to confusion. In severe cases of anxiety. without realizing, you allow it to make decisions for you. Driving was hard, eating was hard, sleeping was hard, talking to anyone was hard, leaving the house was hard, staying in the house was hard, EVERYTHING I once enjoyed and loved was now hard. I was left confused. Everything I once liked I now hated and did not enjoy, every dream I had I now feared, every belief that I was good at my job vanished. I was left with an empty feeling. Just a few weeks ago I told my husband - "I don't know who I am anymore."

I have been reading tons of books, self-help, biographies, etc. hoping to get insight on how to change all of this. I felt robbed. Something stole my identity and I was left grasping for straws.

All of this changed last night.

Last night at church, in my own quiet time, I was reminded of something important. It rang through my head so clear. "Erin, you have not lost who you are, what you love, your passions or your dreams. Remember, your identity is found Christ." Who I am and what I am passionate about has never changed. Medically, things have changed, mentally some things have changed, but overall, I was reminded that you cannot walk around feeling like something was stolen from you, when in all reality, you gave it away.

I allowed anxiety and past events to steal who I believe I am, what I am passionate about and what my soul longs for.  No, I am not cured or healed. I still have anxiety, I still have negative thoughts about myself pop into my head, but here is what I know to be true:

I am loved.
I am made for a purpose.
I am thankful.
I am grateful.
I am His.

Give the song a listen whether you believe or not - God is always good. 
 

 

Sunday - The Worst Day of the Week

I've been absent from the blog for awhile due to anxiety. If you are confused by that, it's fine....so am I. I have been getting better, not quite myself yet, but working hard to get there. My mind is clearer and I am enjoying my time of rest. I was brainstorming some new blog posts while on a walk and realized there is so much I haven't shared that I thought I have.Clarity of mind obviously helps! :) 

When I was working and struggling with anxiety something I absolutely hated, despised, dreaded, feared.....was Sunday. Most people think of Sunday as a day of rest, a day to get rejuvenated and a day to enjoy time off. If you have ever struggled with severe anxiety, Sundays are the opposite of that.

If you have ever struggled with severe, dabilitating anxiety, you know what Sunday means. Sunday means you wake up early even when you do not want to with a sinking feeling in your gut, sweaty palms, an upset stomach, and worst of all - a racing mind. Sunday you pray as hard as you can for the day to go by slow, the feelings to go away and the peace and rest to come. But, most often they don't. Why? Because tomorrow is Monday.

Monday means you have to face a whole new week with strength you don't think you have. Monday means you have to put a smile on your face and tell everyone you're fine when you feel like you have an anvil on your chest. Monday means you don't feel safe and constantly think terrible things are going to happen. Monday means.....

Many people hate their job, dread going to work, etc. - let's be clear, it is not the same thing. Most of the time people with anxiety feel all these things as well as guilt because they tell themselves "they shouldn't be feeling that way". You may hate your job and hate Mondays because you have to wake up early. People with severe anxiety don't wake up early on Monday's because they never went to sleep.

When I was really struggling I had to make my Sundays intentional. I had to wake up early, work out the longest that day, fill my day so I would stop staring at the clock. I would take my evenings slowly. I would read, watch relaxing tv or a movie and take a bath.I found that doing these things helped me significantly. But, so did one thing - choosing joy. On Monday I would get out of bed and the first thing I would say, out loud was, "I'm excited for work." Was I? No. Was I lying to make my body think I was? Yes.

Here's the deal, if you find that this is you, you should find somebody to talk to. You live once - that's it. Live it happy! I realized this week that my Sundays have changed from the worst day of the week to the best because I am excited for a new week. Excited to help others, love on people, and most importantly another  day closer to being anxiety free.

Rest

I grew up playing sports. I don't consider myself a natural athlete. Sports do not come easy to me - they take hard work. I dabbled in most sports, but my love was always for basketball. I loved the play basketball, watch basketball and listen to basketball. I wasn't an incredible player, but I loved it and it meant two things - working out and being with my dad.

My dad is an incredible man. I have never met someone who didn't like my dad. He is easy going, funny, comforting, has a great imagination and is super competitive. We definitely have that in common - competition. Basketball was a time where I got to either spend time with my dad (because he was my coach), sit with my dad and/or talk with my dad. Even though it seemed like "just another sport" to some people, to me it was more.

That said, I was raised always working out in some way or another. I set goals, worked hard and hated to lose. That is still true for me today.

In the winter of 2011 I decided that I really wanted to run a half marathon. A few things you should know - I was not a runner, I hated to run and I got bored REALLY easily. But, my mind was made up and I was going to do it. I started training for in January for a half marathon in June. Six months is truly adequate time to train, however, if you live in the Northwest you know that this can become difficult as it rains......a lot. I ran rain or shine. I had set a goal to run the entire race, not stopping once and at a 10 minute pace. However, there is something about running I didn't know much about and that was pacing myself. My body was not used to running, but I took off like I had been running for years. Needless to say, I hurt my hip about 5 weeks before the race. I went to the doctor and they were not sure what was wrong but said I should not run on it anymore. haha yea right. I didn't train for nothing. So, I kept running. It helped with my anxiety, and it allowed me to spend time with my "dad".

As I ran I did a lot of praying. I would listen to worship music and just talk to God like I did my dad. For me it was no longer just running, it was something I needed. The race day came and I ran. I ran the whole way and I ran at a 10 minute pace. By the end of the race I couldn't move my right leg due to my hip killing me and I had a shoe pooled with blood from a blister the size of a golf ball. (TMI?) Motivation? I had a lot of it. Moderation? I had none.

For the last few weeks I have started looking at my life and realizing that I live the same way. I am motivated to do anything and everything, but I do not have much moderation. Holley Gerth says it best:

"One reason is a myth that says, "It's selfish to take care of myself." Oh, most of us would check "false" on that one if we had a test in front of us. But, when we look at how we live, the answer seems quite different. We just talked about running your own race, and every athlete knows that self-care is essential to crossing the finish line well. In much the same way, taking care of yourself is going to be important to accomplishing....filling God's purpose for your life, and loving the people in a your life well."

For the last few months I really was lacking moderation. I had motivation to get better - all the motivation in the world, but no moderation. I wanted to be the best teacher, so I was staying up way to late grading papers and planning lessons. I wanted to be the best wife, so I tried too hard to make sure everything was clean and in order. I wanted to have the best body, so I spent time working out and eating less. I ran on empty physically, mentally and spiritually and soon was not good at any of these things.

Just like after running the race, my body needed time to heal. I still have trouble running because my hip is still injured from not caring for it. I don't want that to be the case forever in my life. I don't want to constantly be walking through life limping with anxiety because I didn't time to rest and heal. Sometimes we have to take a step back and see life for what it is, not how much we can do.

Rest and heal.  

March

People say to me how brave I am for sharing my story and how honest I am. Let's clear some things up. Yes, I am honest....to a fault, but, I am not brave. I don't share my story with you because I somehow have more strength than someone else. I share my story because anxiety is a silent illness. No one wants to talk about it, ask questions about it, or admit they struggle with it.

All of us have issues, mine is anxiety, your's may be depression, anger, body image, perfectionism, loneliness, consequences of past choices, etc. The point is this - stop hiding. We all are struggling. If one person gets anything from my story that makes their life better it will have been worth sharing it. But let's be clear, it is WAY out of my comfort zone to share my life, my struggles, my hurts, my joys, but countless emails remind me why I share.

The last month has been difficult. Due to my increasing anxiety I was unable to begin working full days again. A very long story later, I have taken a leave of absence for the remainder of the year. For the first three days I just cried. My family was amazing as well as my husband during this time. It is now my 3rd week off and here I am. Working with my anxiety, trying to find a better medication, learning to better control panic attacks, and most of all doing something I'm not good at - taking time for me.

I'm reading a book right now called, "You're Already Amazing". So many things she talks about is an arrow to the depths of my heart. A few things....

"Emotions make great messengers but bad bosses."

"Your emotions have nothing to do with your reality right now."

"Life's hard. We get hurt. That means sometimes what we need most is for God to stop us right in the middle of our road as we limp along and say,"Daughter, sit down. Rest. Heal. Let me tend to your wounds."

The last one is me right now. Life is proving difficult and what I need most is for God to step in and get my attention and tell me to rest and tend to my wounds. And he did. I now have time to think, shower, eat, take care of me. More about this tomorrow.....but for now, look at your life. Do you need a break? Take care of yourself or you can't take care of others.

Catch Up

I have not written in several days because frankly, working with anxiety is a little bit like trying to nail jello to a wall. It's tricky, messy, and a bit insane.

Last we talked I was really struggling. I still am. Anxiety medication can take 6 to 8 weeks to work and than once it's semi working the doctor usually decides to tinker with it a little more. Too much and your tired, too little and running 50 miles sounds like a breeze.

Last week I had several things to be proud of myself about. I worked 1/2 day everyday. Some days staying until 1 or 2. I went with my husband to some friends house for dinner. On Sat, even thought I wasn't feeling great we went to Cannon Beach and drove around. These are all very important things and things to be proud of fit myself.

I am feeling better than last week, and much better than the week before, but I am still trudging through this. This week I am supposed to start back full time. I make it a big deal in my head and than realize that it's ridiculous because people are on my side, cheering me on, praying for me, etc.

I am very anxious about starting back at full time, but I know what to do if I can't. I have nothing to worry about and u know that, but anxiety wants me to forget that my God goes before me and is on my side.

Thought of the day: Anxiety is difficult, but so is being the friend or spouse of someone anxious. Next time I will be blogging about anxiety and how it can be worked with in a relationship.

Thank you,

Erin

Honesty

I've tried to write this post several times and each time I have come up blank. Not because I don't know what to say, but mostly because I don't want to share the information. Why? Well, I am a sinner who cares a lot about what people think of me and my big bag of pride has been one I have been carrying. It has been on my heart and as I walked yesterday in the sun I was thinking about it again and really felt the tug on my heart to be completely honest with you.

As you know, I have anxiety. This is my 3rd "bout" or "time" with anxiety. The first time was bad because I was uneducated and unaware. The 2nd time was easier because I had hope and knew I could beat it. This time has been much harder and that is because my anxiety is really much worse than it has ever been. I still have the knowledge and the hope, but this time I have to work harder - much harder.

Due to my anxiety and another health issue I had this year, used up all of my sick days. My principal approached me and asked my to apply for the sick pool. (where you can borrow days from others, like myself who have put their extra into a pool). I told her no. I said I was not willing to do that because it is for people who are really sick, like have cancer, or are fighting a terrible disease. She sternly looked at me and said, "Yes, you will enter the sick leave pool. If you got in an accident would you feel bad?" I told her I would not and she continued by saying,"Anxiety is not something that just goes away. Anxiety and panic disorders are exactly that - disorders. I want you to be protected. I want you healthy."

One thing that I have had to do to get healthy and to a better place is working half time. Although it is only for a short time, half days are something I can do and feel successful at right now. I still have panic attacks at school, or at home. I miss my students like crazy and wish I was the one teaching them and helping them grow. I wish my pride did not stand in the way and make me feel like a failure as I leave each day at noon. I am reteaching myself to think positive and celebrate the victories. But, I am independent, a people pleaser and a perfectionist, so working half time is one of the harder things I have ever chosen to agree to. But, my body needs it. My mind needs it. My soul needs it.

But I want you to know. I am getting better. The crying is less often. The anxiety is still present. I still panic with no reason at all, but I do have hope. God is good.

Recently I was listening to music on my i tunes and a song from Casting Crowns came on called Mercy. There is a part of the song that states:

You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say
You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say 

I can't think of any better way to say it or think about it. God is greater than my anxiety yesterday. He is holding me close today. He will be with me tomorrow, and I will always believe that with my whole heart. The song has really been a help to me, a reminder that because of God's great mercy, I can continue to rely on Him. 

There is a link to the song. The video is lame, but the words are incredible. 

Mercy - Casting Crowns

Thank you for reading. Thank you for those of you who have been praying. Thank you for thinking of me. I could never thank you enough. So, from now on, I plan to blog my days, to let you know more about what I did, how it is going, etc. You are now invited to the reality blog of my own personal life. 

May you be reminded of how good life is, 

Erin

Still Good

My anxiety is hard to work through. I sweat like crazy. My stomach is in knots. My heart races. My chest is tight. But than I go on a walk and see this beautiful landscape with the sun beaming down and remember: My God is still good. But when I can't breathe or I cry about simple things, or I disappoint myself, I think to myself: My God is still good.

Thoughts

When life as you know it turns sideways and things you do normally day to day become a daunting or unrealistic task, you can't help but feel like YOU are doing something wrong. Yes, anxiety indeed has physical aspects that are not enjoyable, but anxiety, along with many other disorders, or even just low self esteem is a large majority just mental.

You are doing something wrong. 

Everyone is looking at you. 

You missed a day of work, you are a bad employee.

You are not a good teacher.

You can't focus on anything because your not strong enough.

You don't fight hard enough.

You don't believe strong enough. 

You don't read your Bible enough. 

You don't clean your house enough.

You are too short with your husband. 

You are not being the wife he wants - he deserves. 

You are not as skinny as other girls. 

You can't sit at that red light, you had a panic attack last night. 

You can't tell anyone, they'll think you have issues. 

I didn't just make these thoughts up. These are things I think. Sometimes daily. THEY ARE NOT TRUE. Here are the rules I have taught myself about anxiety and self talk. 

1) It is not okay for you to portray your feelings on someone else. 

              Example: Did Casey say you were a bad wife? Did he say he wanted something better?

2) Stop the snowball effect. 

               Example: I missed work. I am a bad employee and teacher.

3) Don't let past events control you. 

               Example: You can't sit through that red light. You had a panic attack last time. 

4) Stop thinking so much about yourself! 

I am not here to preach to you or at you. This is me, being real, telling you, this is what people with anxiety and many other disorders can think in a matter of seconds. It is NOT okay. I know it is not okay, but I have to reteach myself how to think positive. Throughout the day I have to give myself reason to be proud. I don't care how small or stupid of a task it may seem, but if it was something you told yourself you couldn't do and did - KUDOS. 

Because I am at a place where I am struggling a lot with my anxiety also known as "Panic Disorder" or "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" at the end of everyday I make a list either physically or in my head of what I did that day that I am proud of. 

Today: 

    *I got out of bed at 9am and started my day by reading. 

    *I went to the local dog park with my husband and dog. 

    *Went to home depot with my husband

    *I went to 3 stores alone and stood in line to buy something, 

    *I went to Joann's aka (hell on earth for people with anxiety on a super sale saturday) and had to wait in line over 15 minutes to get my items paid for. I didn't just put them down and leave because I couldn't wait. 

     *I went on a walk. 

Did I sweat? Yes. 

Did I think negative thoughts? Yep.

Was a sick to my stomach? All day. 

Did I have a panic attack? Sure did. 

Did I doubt who I am as a wife, friend and person? of course.

Did I survive? YES. 

Long Overdue

Writing in this blog is long overdue. I realized that I just left you with the thought that I got back on medication and things got better again. Well, that's true. But, there is more to the story.

Here's the thing...it's easy to talk about things in the past because you are not experiencing them anymore. You have insight you did not have before. Although there is healing in others in speaking about past experiences, it is rare that is is also healing for you - because you most likely have healed from it, hence the talking about it.

So, the blog, like me, is changing it's shape for awhile. At the end of November, right after Thanksgiving, I started feeling anxious again. I could not figure out why but figure it was just the holidays. But soon, in a matter or days, panic attacks were back and I was "back in the anxiety saddle again." The thing I could not figure out was why as I was taking my medicine and why it was so bad.

I made a doctors appointment that once again I cried through (anxiety makes people cry a lot). They determined that the medication was no longer working with my body as I had been using it for about 5 years and apparently was sick of me. So, we needed to switch medications. We switched medications and things continued to get worse. I was pretty sure that was not how it was supposed to be, so I called a Psychiatrist up at the main hospital who specializes in anxiety and told him I needed to be seen.

I went to the appointment and cried through it again (this is a general theme). He asked me a million questions some that were crazy like counting backwards from one hundred by 7's. When he asked that I replied, "You're kidding right?" needless to say, he wasn't. I'm not a math person - at all. So 80 minutes later when I reached the 70's he just asked me to stop counting. haha.

He asked about my family, my extended family, my relationships with family and to list anyone in my family on either side that struggled with anxiety that I was aware of. I named off the people I knew about and he just looked up at me and laughed. I was sitting there thinking, "Yea, this isn't funny." After laughing he said, "Well, you are VERY genetically loaded for anxiety." In my head I was picturing a gun firing anxiety into me from each one of those people (because I'm weird like that - hence the psychiatrist).

He said because of my family history and my history with medications he wanted to start me on some new meds and counseling. I told him I would do anything to make this anxiety go away. In the mean time......I was trying to teach, be a friend to many, work in our church in Portland, etc. I had to let some things go.

So, here is my point for today. I'm not better. I'm not great. I'm trudging through this right now. It's not fun. I am doing my best. But my point is, be real with people. It helps you heal. I read something yesterday and I wish I wrote it because they took it right out of my brain!

"I will survive this and OVERCOME it.

I will keep moving forward.

I am a fighter.

I will rebuild myself stronger than before.

WATCH ME."

That's my life right now. I am blessed with great people around me and I will again get over this. You will get over whatever you are struggling with, but you have to fight. You have to be willing to kick it in the butt. And part of my process of kicking butt is remember who I serve, how powerful he is and what he has in store for me.