Catch Up

I have not written in several days because frankly, working with anxiety is a little bit like trying to nail jello to a wall. It's tricky, messy, and a bit insane.

Last we talked I was really struggling. I still am. Anxiety medication can take 6 to 8 weeks to work and than once it's semi working the doctor usually decides to tinker with it a little more. Too much and your tired, too little and running 50 miles sounds like a breeze.

Last week I had several things to be proud of myself about. I worked 1/2 day everyday. Some days staying until 1 or 2. I went with my husband to some friends house for dinner. On Sat, even thought I wasn't feeling great we went to Cannon Beach and drove around. These are all very important things and things to be proud of fit myself.

I am feeling better than last week, and much better than the week before, but I am still trudging through this. This week I am supposed to start back full time. I make it a big deal in my head and than realize that it's ridiculous because people are on my side, cheering me on, praying for me, etc.

I am very anxious about starting back at full time, but I know what to do if I can't. I have nothing to worry about and u know that, but anxiety wants me to forget that my God goes before me and is on my side.

Thought of the day: Anxiety is difficult, but so is being the friend or spouse of someone anxious. Next time I will be blogging about anxiety and how it can be worked with in a relationship.

Thank you,

Erin

Honesty

I've tried to write this post several times and each time I have come up blank. Not because I don't know what to say, but mostly because I don't want to share the information. Why? Well, I am a sinner who cares a lot about what people think of me and my big bag of pride has been one I have been carrying. It has been on my heart and as I walked yesterday in the sun I was thinking about it again and really felt the tug on my heart to be completely honest with you.

As you know, I have anxiety. This is my 3rd "bout" or "time" with anxiety. The first time was bad because I was uneducated and unaware. The 2nd time was easier because I had hope and knew I could beat it. This time has been much harder and that is because my anxiety is really much worse than it has ever been. I still have the knowledge and the hope, but this time I have to work harder - much harder.

Due to my anxiety and another health issue I had this year, used up all of my sick days. My principal approached me and asked my to apply for the sick pool. (where you can borrow days from others, like myself who have put their extra into a pool). I told her no. I said I was not willing to do that because it is for people who are really sick, like have cancer, or are fighting a terrible disease. She sternly looked at me and said, "Yes, you will enter the sick leave pool. If you got in an accident would you feel bad?" I told her I would not and she continued by saying,"Anxiety is not something that just goes away. Anxiety and panic disorders are exactly that - disorders. I want you to be protected. I want you healthy."

One thing that I have had to do to get healthy and to a better place is working half time. Although it is only for a short time, half days are something I can do and feel successful at right now. I still have panic attacks at school, or at home. I miss my students like crazy and wish I was the one teaching them and helping them grow. I wish my pride did not stand in the way and make me feel like a failure as I leave each day at noon. I am reteaching myself to think positive and celebrate the victories. But, I am independent, a people pleaser and a perfectionist, so working half time is one of the harder things I have ever chosen to agree to. But, my body needs it. My mind needs it. My soul needs it.

But I want you to know. I am getting better. The crying is less often. The anxiety is still present. I still panic with no reason at all, but I do have hope. God is good.

Recently I was listening to music on my i tunes and a song from Casting Crowns came on called Mercy. There is a part of the song that states:

You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say
You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say 

I can't think of any better way to say it or think about it. God is greater than my anxiety yesterday. He is holding me close today. He will be with me tomorrow, and I will always believe that with my whole heart. The song has really been a help to me, a reminder that because of God's great mercy, I can continue to rely on Him. 

There is a link to the song. The video is lame, but the words are incredible. 

Mercy - Casting Crowns

Thank you for reading. Thank you for those of you who have been praying. Thank you for thinking of me. I could never thank you enough. So, from now on, I plan to blog my days, to let you know more about what I did, how it is going, etc. You are now invited to the reality blog of my own personal life. 

May you be reminded of how good life is, 

Erin

Still Good

My anxiety is hard to work through. I sweat like crazy. My stomach is in knots. My heart races. My chest is tight. But than I go on a walk and see this beautiful landscape with the sun beaming down and remember: My God is still good. But when I can't breathe or I cry about simple things, or I disappoint myself, I think to myself: My God is still good.

Thoughts

When life as you know it turns sideways and things you do normally day to day become a daunting or unrealistic task, you can't help but feel like YOU are doing something wrong. Yes, anxiety indeed has physical aspects that are not enjoyable, but anxiety, along with many other disorders, or even just low self esteem is a large majority just mental.

You are doing something wrong. 

Everyone is looking at you. 

You missed a day of work, you are a bad employee.

You are not a good teacher.

You can't focus on anything because your not strong enough.

You don't fight hard enough.

You don't believe strong enough. 

You don't read your Bible enough. 

You don't clean your house enough.

You are too short with your husband. 

You are not being the wife he wants - he deserves. 

You are not as skinny as other girls. 

You can't sit at that red light, you had a panic attack last night. 

You can't tell anyone, they'll think you have issues. 

I didn't just make these thoughts up. These are things I think. Sometimes daily. THEY ARE NOT TRUE. Here are the rules I have taught myself about anxiety and self talk. 

1) It is not okay for you to portray your feelings on someone else. 

              Example: Did Casey say you were a bad wife? Did he say he wanted something better?

2) Stop the snowball effect. 

               Example: I missed work. I am a bad employee and teacher.

3) Don't let past events control you. 

               Example: You can't sit through that red light. You had a panic attack last time. 

4) Stop thinking so much about yourself! 

I am not here to preach to you or at you. This is me, being real, telling you, this is what people with anxiety and many other disorders can think in a matter of seconds. It is NOT okay. I know it is not okay, but I have to reteach myself how to think positive. Throughout the day I have to give myself reason to be proud. I don't care how small or stupid of a task it may seem, but if it was something you told yourself you couldn't do and did - KUDOS. 

Because I am at a place where I am struggling a lot with my anxiety also known as "Panic Disorder" or "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" at the end of everyday I make a list either physically or in my head of what I did that day that I am proud of. 

Today: 

    *I got out of bed at 9am and started my day by reading. 

    *I went to the local dog park with my husband and dog. 

    *Went to home depot with my husband

    *I went to 3 stores alone and stood in line to buy something, 

    *I went to Joann's aka (hell on earth for people with anxiety on a super sale saturday) and had to wait in line over 15 minutes to get my items paid for. I didn't just put them down and leave because I couldn't wait. 

     *I went on a walk. 

Did I sweat? Yes. 

Did I think negative thoughts? Yep.

Was a sick to my stomach? All day. 

Did I have a panic attack? Sure did. 

Did I doubt who I am as a wife, friend and person? of course.

Did I survive? YES. 

Long Overdue

Writing in this blog is long overdue. I realized that I just left you with the thought that I got back on medication and things got better again. Well, that's true. But, there is more to the story.

Here's the thing...it's easy to talk about things in the past because you are not experiencing them anymore. You have insight you did not have before. Although there is healing in others in speaking about past experiences, it is rare that is is also healing for you - because you most likely have healed from it, hence the talking about it.

So, the blog, like me, is changing it's shape for awhile. At the end of November, right after Thanksgiving, I started feeling anxious again. I could not figure out why but figure it was just the holidays. But soon, in a matter or days, panic attacks were back and I was "back in the anxiety saddle again." The thing I could not figure out was why as I was taking my medicine and why it was so bad.

I made a doctors appointment that once again I cried through (anxiety makes people cry a lot). They determined that the medication was no longer working with my body as I had been using it for about 5 years and apparently was sick of me. So, we needed to switch medications. We switched medications and things continued to get worse. I was pretty sure that was not how it was supposed to be, so I called a Psychiatrist up at the main hospital who specializes in anxiety and told him I needed to be seen.

I went to the appointment and cried through it again (this is a general theme). He asked me a million questions some that were crazy like counting backwards from one hundred by 7's. When he asked that I replied, "You're kidding right?" needless to say, he wasn't. I'm not a math person - at all. So 80 minutes later when I reached the 70's he just asked me to stop counting. haha.

He asked about my family, my extended family, my relationships with family and to list anyone in my family on either side that struggled with anxiety that I was aware of. I named off the people I knew about and he just looked up at me and laughed. I was sitting there thinking, "Yea, this isn't funny." After laughing he said, "Well, you are VERY genetically loaded for anxiety." In my head I was picturing a gun firing anxiety into me from each one of those people (because I'm weird like that - hence the psychiatrist).

He said because of my family history and my history with medications he wanted to start me on some new meds and counseling. I told him I would do anything to make this anxiety go away. In the mean time......I was trying to teach, be a friend to many, work in our church in Portland, etc. I had to let some things go.

So, here is my point for today. I'm not better. I'm not great. I'm trudging through this right now. It's not fun. I am doing my best. But my point is, be real with people. It helps you heal. I read something yesterday and I wish I wrote it because they took it right out of my brain!

"I will survive this and OVERCOME it.

I will keep moving forward.

I am a fighter.

I will rebuild myself stronger than before.

WATCH ME."

That's my life right now. I am blessed with great people around me and I will again get over this. You will get over whatever you are struggling with, but you have to fight. You have to be willing to kick it in the butt. And part of my process of kicking butt is remember who I serve, how powerful he is and what he has in store for me.