Dear Doctor

Dear Doctor,
         I know you help people everyday and that is most likely why you went into this profession. I know that is your primary goal, but doctor, there are some things I want you to know. I want to tell you about a trip I had to your office several years ago.
         After months of dealing with severe anxiety, I called your office and made an appointment. I wanted to thank you for having time to see me that day. If I would have had to wait for another day I am not sure I would have gone to see you at all. So, thank you.
         I remember I walked into your waiting room and checked in. They told me it would be a few minutes. I understand that you have a lot of people to see, but I need you to know how much courage it took me to sit in that waiting room. I was sweating, shaking, I thought I was going to throw up. Not even magazines helped. All I could do was focus on my breathing.
       After about 10 minutes, one of your nurses came out and took me to a back room. They asked me why I was there and said you would be in shortly. I am not trying to complain, but sitting alone in a backroom with no windows, makes an anxious, claustrophobic person even more anxious and claustrophobic. Like I said, I am not trying to complain but it is important that you understand there are people out there with anxiety a lot worse than me, and if I barely made it, it's no wonder so many don't get the help they need.
       I remember you walked into the office looking at my chart, sat down and asked how I was feeling. It was not another, "why are you here?" or "what can I do for you?"  You were truly asking me how I was feeling and I want to thank you for that. As you know, I started crying before I could even respond and the word, "miserable" barely came out of my mouth. You look startled, but handed me kleenex and told me to take my time. That meant a lot to me. Thank you for not rushing me.
      I explained to you all that was going on, my lack of sleep, my fear of just about everything, my concern of not being a good wife, friend, daughter, employee, student, etc. You didn't look at me like I was crazy, you didn't make judgements about what kind of a person I was, you just said, "We can figure this out." You gave me options, we made decisions and you walked me through what to expect.
       I started a daily medicine at a low dose and worked my way up to the highest dose over a few months as planned. You also gave me a medication for panic episodes and for the everyday tasks I was having trouble doing. You suggested books and counseling. Although I was not ready for counseling yet, I read everything I could get my hands on about anxiety.
       It took several months and there was more times than I can count that I wanted to come back in and tell you the medicine was not working. But, it was......slowly.....I almost didn't see it. I began to change my routines and mindset and the medication allowed me to do everyday things that made me feel a little more normal.
        I know it was probably just another appointment to you, but it wasn't to me. I know you probably haven't thought about it since, but I have. You helped give me hope when I was losing it and showed me that life could get back to a wonderful, fun place. Thank you for treating me like a person. Thank you for helping me.

Erin

Pride

Pride. If I were to choose one thing that people with anxiety suffer from the most, it would not be trouble breathing, or panic attacks, or sweating, or blacking out....I would say it is pride. When you struggle with anxiety you think ,"What if". "What if I panic in front of people?" "What if people found out?" "What if we do something that isn't planned and everyone sees me crumble?" All of these questions we ask ourselves are about what others will think. Now, please do not get me wrong. Without pride can you still have anxiety? ABSOLUTELY. Pride just plays a very large part.

I had been working out like crazy, praying all the time and not seeing much improvement. I could run 3 miles a day and still not sleep at night. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I remember my husband would say, "Sweetie, go to the doctor. They can help you, even if it is just recommending a counselor." Yea right, I would think to myself.  Going to the doctor felt like giving up/quitting - and I am NOT a quitter.

A month before my husband was to graduate from college he informed me that he was going to walk. Up until this point he had said he was not going to. I was excited for him and terrified for me. Not only was my anxiety bad, but in large venues was at it's worst. In all honesty, I knew if I didn't do something, I would not see my husband graduate. At that point I had to make a choice. Right after he told me this I walked away, locked myself in the bathroom and got in the shower. The shower was my hiding place. The place where I could cry and no one would know. I wanted him to think I was okay. I wanted him to have a normal wife.

I remember crying in the shower that night. Not just crying, but sobbing. I remember praying "God, I need you! I love Casey so much. I do not deserve him. He does not deserve a crazy wife!" I was so mad at myself. I felt like the few months of exercise and relaxation had been in vain. That is when I kept hearing Casey's voice in my head, "Erin, if you want to, go to the doctor. I am sure they can help."

I got out of the shower, laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up, after not sleeping well (that was nightly) and sat on the edge of the bed. "Casey?" I said. "I need to go to the doctor....something is wrong and I can't fix it." So, my loving husband took a day off of school and work and drove me to see the doctor.

I allowed pride to stand in the way of getting help for quite awhile. Whether you have anxiety or not, pride is a filthy thing to hold onto. Pride is the foundation to so many broken hearts, relationships, health problems, etc. Coming from a person who dealt heavily with pride........healing comes when your willing to set it down.