It's been over a month since I last wrote. I was not trying leave you all in the dust but sometimes we need to step back from even good things and get a handle on life.
After finals and over the next 2 years I had anxiety but was able to manage it. I started to not have panic attacks. I started loving life more. I started going on trips. I started trusting myself. I started being me again. I was on a daily medication which for me was both needed and such a blessing.
In May of 2011 I started getting really tired every day and had headaches that would not go away. I went to see the doctor and she thought it was my dosage of medicine and that it was too high. I was in agreement and we lowered the dosage. I did great! We lowered it a few months later again and again my anxiety was awesome! I was down to 10mg of the medicine which is the lowest dose you can take and after an appointment with my doctor this past December we decided to see if I could be completely off the medicine. I did everything right. I slowly tapered off.I listened to my doctor. Everything was perfect. (HA!)
The beginning of January I noticed a bit of my anxiety returning which I expected and was prepared, but I wasn't prepared for what I was going to experience. Not only did my anxiety come back, it came back with a vengeance.I worked with it as best I could until February and than went back in to see the doctor. At that point we decided to start the medicine again. Let me give you some insight.........the get the medicine into your body and working well it can take 5 weeks to several months. For me it was months. So, I will spend the next few entries opening up and telling you what the last several months have been like for me. Scary? Sure. But I knew I could do it.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Finals...
Hmm.....it has been awhile sense I have written. Why? I have been stumped where to go from the last post. I was not instantly cured. I began my medicine and it took about 4 months to really feel the effects - AKA not freaking out all the gosh dang time. So, if you choose the medicine route, please remember not to be discouraged with the lack of immediate results.
However, after 4 months on medicine I was CURED. Okay....not really...hope you haven't stopped reading. I began taking my medicine in June and was signed up for an entire term of summer courses at my university 40 minutes from home. 4 minutes in a car when you have bad anxiety is do able, 40 is torture. As you now know, the first few months were not easy as the medicine takes time to work. In the meantime though I was reading everything about anxiety I could. I tried everything - exercise, sleep, relaxation, meditation, hypnosis online (not sure I should admit that). In times where you feel like your life is going to hell you are willing to try just about anything.
I drove a back country road to school everyday. I listened to music to help distract me. I chewed gum to help me keep busy, and I turned my A/C on full blast to keep the anxiety sweat at bay. Let me be clear though, driving was not the hardest part of summer term - the classes were. In summer courses classes are smaller and strange behavior is much more noticeable. And let's just get this out in the open - I had strange behavior. I'm okay with admitting that.
Not many people know this, but my last 2 years of college I was a straight A student. I know several people who are going to read this post who went to school with me and may be shocked, but it's true. I am not telling you this to brag, but I am trying to give you an idea of how much anxiety can take a toll on someone. So, here it goes..... That summer I had to take a course called Linguistics. Mind you, I am a middle school Language Arts teacher - this course should not have been difficult for me. HA. I did all the required reading, workbook practice and found help outside of the class. I put more effort into that course than any course I have ever taken.
I remember studying so hard for the final. My mind would wander though and my body would fidget making studying a chore. Not only was I struggling with anxiety, but tests shot that anxiety through the roof. I remember thinking as I drove to class...."What if I pass out? What if I can't breathe? What if I have to leave the room before my test is done?" Remember the strange behavior I told you about? Here it comes...
I walked into the room (15 of us in the whole class) and went straight to the professor. Before I knew it, my mouth was opening and I was speaking ridiculousness. "Can I sit on the ground and take my final?" I asked. "Um..........sure?" The professor replied. So that is what I did. Why? I have no clue! Honestly I don't....all I know is that for some reason that made me feel better.
Okay, okay.......what is the point? I received a D- in the class. I was devastated. Never in my life had I gotten that low of a grade. Ouch. Getting that D- made me take a really good look at my anxiety though and how it was not only effecting me mentally and physically but also academically as concentration was rare.
As a teacher now, I remember this when working with students that have anxiety. They may be giving it their absolute best, but trying to just breathe normal may be invading every focused thought they have.
“Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals.”
― Winifred Gallagher
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Dear Doctor
Dear Doctor,
I know you help people everyday and that is most likely why you went into this profession. I know that is your primary goal, but doctor, there are some things I want you to know. I want to tell you about a trip I had to your office several years ago.
After months of dealing with severe anxiety, I called your office and made an appointment. I wanted to thank you for having time to see me that day. If I would have had to wait for another day I am not sure I would have gone to see you at all. So, thank you.
I remember I walked into your waiting room and checked in. They told me it would be a few minutes. I understand that you have a lot of people to see, but I need you to know how much courage it took me to sit in that waiting room. I was sweating, shaking, I thought I was going to throw up. Not even magazines helped. All I could do was focus on my breathing.
After about 10 minutes, one of your nurses came out and took me to a back room. They asked me why I was there and said you would be in shortly. I am not trying to complain, but sitting alone in a backroom with no windows, makes an anxious, claustrophobic person even more anxious and claustrophobic. Like I said, I am not trying to complain but it is important that you understand there are people out there with anxiety a lot worse than me, and if I barely made it, it's no wonder so many don't get the help they need.
I remember you walked into the office looking at my chart, sat down and asked how I was feeling. It was not another, "why are you here?" or "what can I do for you?" You were truly asking me how I was feeling and I want to thank you for that. As you know, I started crying before I could even respond and the word, "miserable" barely came out of my mouth. You look startled, but handed me kleenex and told me to take my time. That meant a lot to me. Thank you for not rushing me.
I explained to you all that was going on, my lack of sleep, my fear of just about everything, my concern of not being a good wife, friend, daughter, employee, student, etc. You didn't look at me like I was crazy, you didn't make judgements about what kind of a person I was, you just said, "We can figure this out." You gave me options, we made decisions and you walked me through what to expect.
I started a daily medicine at a low dose and worked my way up to the highest dose over a few months as planned. You also gave me a medication for panic episodes and for the everyday tasks I was having trouble doing. You suggested books and counseling. Although I was not ready for counseling yet, I read everything I could get my hands on about anxiety.
It took several months and there was more times than I can count that I wanted to come back in and tell you the medicine was not working. But, it was......slowly.....I almost didn't see it. I began to change my routines and mindset and the medication allowed me to do everyday things that made me feel a little more normal.
I know it was probably just another appointment to you, but it wasn't to me. I know you probably haven't thought about it since, but I have. You helped give me hope when I was losing it and showed me that life could get back to a wonderful, fun place. Thank you for treating me like a person. Thank you for helping me.
Erin
I know you help people everyday and that is most likely why you went into this profession. I know that is your primary goal, but doctor, there are some things I want you to know. I want to tell you about a trip I had to your office several years ago.
After months of dealing with severe anxiety, I called your office and made an appointment. I wanted to thank you for having time to see me that day. If I would have had to wait for another day I am not sure I would have gone to see you at all. So, thank you.
I remember I walked into your waiting room and checked in. They told me it would be a few minutes. I understand that you have a lot of people to see, but I need you to know how much courage it took me to sit in that waiting room. I was sweating, shaking, I thought I was going to throw up. Not even magazines helped. All I could do was focus on my breathing.
After about 10 minutes, one of your nurses came out and took me to a back room. They asked me why I was there and said you would be in shortly. I am not trying to complain, but sitting alone in a backroom with no windows, makes an anxious, claustrophobic person even more anxious and claustrophobic. Like I said, I am not trying to complain but it is important that you understand there are people out there with anxiety a lot worse than me, and if I barely made it, it's no wonder so many don't get the help they need.
I remember you walked into the office looking at my chart, sat down and asked how I was feeling. It was not another, "why are you here?" or "what can I do for you?" You were truly asking me how I was feeling and I want to thank you for that. As you know, I started crying before I could even respond and the word, "miserable" barely came out of my mouth. You look startled, but handed me kleenex and told me to take my time. That meant a lot to me. Thank you for not rushing me.
I explained to you all that was going on, my lack of sleep, my fear of just about everything, my concern of not being a good wife, friend, daughter, employee, student, etc. You didn't look at me like I was crazy, you didn't make judgements about what kind of a person I was, you just said, "We can figure this out." You gave me options, we made decisions and you walked me through what to expect.
I started a daily medicine at a low dose and worked my way up to the highest dose over a few months as planned. You also gave me a medication for panic episodes and for the everyday tasks I was having trouble doing. You suggested books and counseling. Although I was not ready for counseling yet, I read everything I could get my hands on about anxiety.
It took several months and there was more times than I can count that I wanted to come back in and tell you the medicine was not working. But, it was......slowly.....I almost didn't see it. I began to change my routines and mindset and the medication allowed me to do everyday things that made me feel a little more normal.
I know it was probably just another appointment to you, but it wasn't to me. I know you probably haven't thought about it since, but I have. You helped give me hope when I was losing it and showed me that life could get back to a wonderful, fun place. Thank you for treating me like a person. Thank you for helping me.
Erin
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Pride
Pride. If I were to choose one thing that people with anxiety suffer from the most, it would not be trouble breathing, or panic attacks, or sweating, or blacking out....I would say it is pride. When you struggle with anxiety you think ,"What if". "What if I panic in front of people?" "What if people found out?" "What if we do something that isn't planned and everyone sees me crumble?" All of these questions we ask ourselves are about what others will think. Now, please do not get me wrong. Without pride can you still have anxiety? ABSOLUTELY. Pride just plays a very large part.
I had been working out like crazy, praying all the time and not seeing much improvement. I could run 3 miles a day and still not sleep at night. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I remember my husband would say, "Sweetie, go to the doctor. They can help you, even if it is just recommending a counselor." Yea right, I would think to myself. Going to the doctor felt like giving up/quitting - and I am NOT a quitter.
A month before my husband was to graduate from college he informed me that he was going to walk. Up until this point he had said he was not going to. I was excited for him and terrified for me. Not only was my anxiety bad, but in large venues was at it's worst. In all honesty, I knew if I didn't do something, I would not see my husband graduate. At that point I had to make a choice. Right after he told me this I walked away, locked myself in the bathroom and got in the shower. The shower was my hiding place. The place where I could cry and no one would know. I wanted him to think I was okay. I wanted him to have a normal wife.
I remember crying in the shower that night. Not just crying, but sobbing. I remember praying "God, I need you! I love Casey so much. I do not deserve him. He does not deserve a crazy wife!" I was so mad at myself. I felt like the few months of exercise and relaxation had been in vain. That is when I kept hearing Casey's voice in my head, "Erin, if you want to, go to the doctor. I am sure they can help."
I got out of the shower, laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up, after not sleeping well (that was nightly) and sat on the edge of the bed. "Casey?" I said. "I need to go to the doctor....something is wrong and I can't fix it." So, my loving husband took a day off of school and work and drove me to see the doctor.
I allowed pride to stand in the way of getting help for quite awhile. Whether you have anxiety or not, pride is a filthy thing to hold onto. Pride is the foundation to so many broken hearts, relationships, health problems, etc. Coming from a person who dealt heavily with pride........healing comes when your willing to set it down.
I had been working out like crazy, praying all the time and not seeing much improvement. I could run 3 miles a day and still not sleep at night. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I remember my husband would say, "Sweetie, go to the doctor. They can help you, even if it is just recommending a counselor." Yea right, I would think to myself. Going to the doctor felt like giving up/quitting - and I am NOT a quitter.
A month before my husband was to graduate from college he informed me that he was going to walk. Up until this point he had said he was not going to. I was excited for him and terrified for me. Not only was my anxiety bad, but in large venues was at it's worst. In all honesty, I knew if I didn't do something, I would not see my husband graduate. At that point I had to make a choice. Right after he told me this I walked away, locked myself in the bathroom and got in the shower. The shower was my hiding place. The place where I could cry and no one would know. I wanted him to think I was okay. I wanted him to have a normal wife.
I remember crying in the shower that night. Not just crying, but sobbing. I remember praying "God, I need you! I love Casey so much. I do not deserve him. He does not deserve a crazy wife!" I was so mad at myself. I felt like the few months of exercise and relaxation had been in vain. That is when I kept hearing Casey's voice in my head, "Erin, if you want to, go to the doctor. I am sure they can help."
I got out of the shower, laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up, after not sleeping well (that was nightly) and sat on the edge of the bed. "Casey?" I said. "I need to go to the doctor....something is wrong and I can't fix it." So, my loving husband took a day off of school and work and drove me to see the doctor.
I allowed pride to stand in the way of getting help for quite awhile. Whether you have anxiety or not, pride is a filthy thing to hold onto. Pride is the foundation to so many broken hearts, relationships, health problems, etc. Coming from a person who dealt heavily with pride........healing comes when your willing to set it down.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Losing Hope
A few months passed after my mom and I had spoken about anxiety. She always would check in and see how things were going, yet I still I had not learned my lesson. I always said things were better and I was doing okay. When I look back at this I feel terrible because I think, "I lied to my mom." But, the thing was, I was not just lying to her - I was lying to myself. I felt like if I said things were terrible and I couldn't sleep and function than everything would become real, that I really would have anxiety or bigger issues and that I would never be the same. I desperately wanted everything to be the same.
I grew up in a extremely loving and supportive family. For much of my life my Dad and Mom were both teachers. My dad taught 6th grade while my mom taught preschool. We were actively involved in a church that I adored. Going to church was a time for me to be around people I cared about and knew cared about me. When I was about 14 my dad switched from teaching to being a pastor. My parents were real. They loved Jesus at church and at home. They never acted different and that showed me a lot about their character, but most of all their faith.
My faith didn't really become my own until I was a sophomore/junior in high school. Due to a number of different things that is the time in life where I really fell in love with Christ. Long story short.........many years passed.......anxiety attacked.
I remember praying and praying and praying that God would heal my anxiety, that He would take it away. I remember almost daily crying, pleading with God that if He took it away I would do anything. I remember really battling this. Thoughts in my head would say, "Erin, you are not a good enough Christian." "You do not have enough faith. If you had more faith you would be healed." "You must really not love God." These thoughts were so strong that I often believed them thinking I was a failure. I couldn't cope with a normal life, I couldn't do normal things and I obviously didn't have enough faith. In every part of my life I had lost hope.
I am sitting here really struggling to write this. I am not sure how to explain this aspect of my life. I know with people reading this that many of you are not believers. It is not my intentions to push my beliefs on you or make you feel uncomfortable, but my faith was as real as my anxiety and it is a part of my story I feel I need to share.
Looking back, I do not know what changed. I was never healed from my anxiety, but every time I would pray or read the Bible and really seek after God was when I had the most peace. I longed for peace.....a peace that would take me out of the current state in which I lived and move me to a place I longed to be. I came across a verse that changed a lot of how I viewed the whole situation.
"My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." ~Psalm 73:26
My health was completely failing. My spirit was so weak it was fading, dying right before my eyes, but I truly believed that God was the strength of my heart. Coming to this understanding changed a lot of how I lived. Coming to this understanding is what led me to seek medical help. Coming to this understanding is what gave me the strength I needed to daily fight anxiety.
I grew up in a extremely loving and supportive family. For much of my life my Dad and Mom were both teachers. My dad taught 6th grade while my mom taught preschool. We were actively involved in a church that I adored. Going to church was a time for me to be around people I cared about and knew cared about me. When I was about 14 my dad switched from teaching to being a pastor. My parents were real. They loved Jesus at church and at home. They never acted different and that showed me a lot about their character, but most of all their faith.
My faith didn't really become my own until I was a sophomore/junior in high school. Due to a number of different things that is the time in life where I really fell in love with Christ. Long story short.........many years passed.......anxiety attacked.
I remember praying and praying and praying that God would heal my anxiety, that He would take it away. I remember almost daily crying, pleading with God that if He took it away I would do anything. I remember really battling this. Thoughts in my head would say, "Erin, you are not a good enough Christian." "You do not have enough faith. If you had more faith you would be healed." "You must really not love God." These thoughts were so strong that I often believed them thinking I was a failure. I couldn't cope with a normal life, I couldn't do normal things and I obviously didn't have enough faith. In every part of my life I had lost hope.
I am sitting here really struggling to write this. I am not sure how to explain this aspect of my life. I know with people reading this that many of you are not believers. It is not my intentions to push my beliefs on you or make you feel uncomfortable, but my faith was as real as my anxiety and it is a part of my story I feel I need to share.
Looking back, I do not know what changed. I was never healed from my anxiety, but every time I would pray or read the Bible and really seek after God was when I had the most peace. I longed for peace.....a peace that would take me out of the current state in which I lived and move me to a place I longed to be. I came across a verse that changed a lot of how I viewed the whole situation.
"My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." ~Psalm 73:26
My health was completely failing. My spirit was so weak it was fading, dying right before my eyes, but I truly believed that God was the strength of my heart. Coming to this understanding changed a lot of how I lived. Coming to this understanding is what led me to seek medical help. Coming to this understanding is what gave me the strength I needed to daily fight anxiety.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Crippling Fear
The heart and soul of anxiety is irrational fears. It is my belief that these fears do not come to life out of the blue, but rather are seen, heard about and/or experienced which leads the already anxious individual into a full blown panic attack over what others may consider “silly.” Mind you, there are disorders where people are fearful of individual things - this would not be what I had. With Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I was lucky enough (yea, right) to become fearful of A LOT of things.
Now, let me explain to you. During this time in my life I knew these fears were stupid, irrational, ridiculous. Mentally I could be logical, physically my body went into fight or flight. haha. That last sentence made me laugh because really, anxiety is all about flight - fleeing, getting away from fears. I once heard “Anxiety is all about avoidance”. This could not be more true.
So, here I go, I am going to bare my irrational fears to you, some I still have, most I do not. I will explain the irrational thoughts surrounding those fears in hopes that you can understand the control one’s mind can have.
Oceans - During this time in my life oceans were one of my biggest fears. I was most afraid of tsunamis. If my husband and I went to the coast for the weekend I didn’t sleep. I would sit up and watch the ocean out the window, making sure that I would have fair warning. **This is no longer a huge fear of mine. I go to the beach often and sure it crosses my mind, but panicking does not set in and I can have a great time.
Airplanes - I learned I was afraid of flying when I flew 14 hours to Latvia. Good time to find out huh? ha...not. Airplanes are still not my favorite thing. However, it does not control what I want to do or where I want to go. I get medicine from the doctor or take a dose of Tylenol pm and get onto the plane. I sleep the entire flight. I am not afraid of crashing. I am not afraid of terrorists. For me, being confined in a space that I have no control as to when I can get out is what I fear the most.
Backseat of a 2-door car - When I was at my worst I would never do sit in the backseat of a 2-door car for the very same reason as above. I had no escape. I was stuck, confined, forced to be somewhere I didn’t want to be. **I still don’t love this, but will do it no problem.
Being alone - Anxiety feeds off of being alone. People that are alone are prisoners to their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences. They have no release, no distraction. People that suffer with anxiety desperately need distraction. When I was alone I feared having a panic attack and not having anyone there to help me. **I am very much into alone time now. :)
Being with others - I couldn’t win. I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to be with others. Being with others was like torture to me - truly. I would sit with others and the whole time think, “breathe, swallow, stop sweating, go to the bathroom to wipe off the sweat, breathe, swallow, nod your head and pretend you are listening.” I would leave places having no idea what I talked about or what others told me. I could not focus on anything other than getting through that moment. **I now love being with people. I teach 33 6th graders. Believe me now? :)
Bridges over water - Oh my goodness. Bridges over water was a big fear. If at all possible, even if it meant going out of my way by miles to avoid a bridge over water I would. I never agreed to plans with others if it meant I had to drive over a bridge by myself. Up until about a year ago every time I would go over a bridge I would, unlock my door and seatbelt and roll down my window. That’s right. If that car was going off the bridge I was diving out. At the time I thought I was just a very prepared individual.....nope...I was just a tad crazy. **Although I do not love bridges, I drive them often and do so without my crazy “prepared” routine.
Planned events - The biggest rule to being someone with anxiety is that you do not make plans ever with people and if you do, you already have planned in your head when and how you are going to cancel. **Luckily this is not something that is a struggle for me any longer.
Driving - Enough said. Driving can still make me anxious sometimes, mostly when I am not sure where I am going. I have found that chewing gum makes the anxiety go down quite significantly. So for all you nervous drivers out there, pick up some Trident. :)
Elevators - I use to N.E.V.E.R. go on elevators. I would rather walk up 11 flights of stairs (which I have done) than be stuck in a metal box that could trap me. Irrational? Yes. I no longer have this fear. Elevators are now just fine. In fact I ride one everyday to get up into my apartment.
Cats - Many people hate cats. But fear them? Not so many. Although I do not have a fear of cats now, this has not always been true. I was terrified of cats. If I saw one I would cross the street, walk to other way, get into my car, walk into a random store, anything to get away from the beasts. I could have sworn they were out to get me. I would have dreams at night that cats would be jumping out of trees attacking me. I sit here now and laugh as I type this thinking, "how crazy!" But, seriously, cats were a big fear.
Sit near an exit - Working with anxiety taught me to always sit near an exit. I needed an escape. I needed to be able to get the heck out of there quickly. I think I now know how to get out of every building the fastest way possible. Although I do not have to sit near an exit now, I often do and recently realized it is just a habit for me to do so.
Hospitals - Hate ‘em. Yes, I am married to a future doctor. Yes, I do go visit sometimes. And yes, I still don't like it.
Doctor - We’ll talk about this in another post....
Public Transportation - Although I love it now, you couldn’t have forced me onto a bus 3 years ago. I would have rather been ran over by it than sitting on it. Rational huh?
Heights - I hate heights. Always have, probably always will.
Big Events - Concert? Blazer Game? Weddings? THE WORST. Before I was never able to attend these things, even small things like church was a chore. Now, I am able to go to these events. I still get anxious, but I know how to work with it better and know that I will survive.
Mice - Hate. Hate. Hate. Fear? Yes. Hate? Yes.
Waiting in Line - Oh the perils of shopping. Want to give an anxious person a panic attack? Make them stand in a line and wait. I can remember countless times that I left my entire cart of food in the line and just went to my car and left. (Sorry to all those people who had to put the food back!) I could not get myself to stand in that line and wait.
Sorry this is such a long post. I just wanted to give you a taste of everyday fears that I experienced and lived. People around you are living with these fears. In fact, 18 million just in America to be more specific.
Now, let me explain to you. During this time in my life I knew these fears were stupid, irrational, ridiculous. Mentally I could be logical, physically my body went into fight or flight. haha. That last sentence made me laugh because really, anxiety is all about flight - fleeing, getting away from fears. I once heard “Anxiety is all about avoidance”. This could not be more true.
So, here I go, I am going to bare my irrational fears to you, some I still have, most I do not. I will explain the irrational thoughts surrounding those fears in hopes that you can understand the control one’s mind can have.
Oceans - During this time in my life oceans were one of my biggest fears. I was most afraid of tsunamis. If my husband and I went to the coast for the weekend I didn’t sleep. I would sit up and watch the ocean out the window, making sure that I would have fair warning. **This is no longer a huge fear of mine. I go to the beach often and sure it crosses my mind, but panicking does not set in and I can have a great time.
Airplanes - I learned I was afraid of flying when I flew 14 hours to Latvia. Good time to find out huh? ha...not. Airplanes are still not my favorite thing. However, it does not control what I want to do or where I want to go. I get medicine from the doctor or take a dose of Tylenol pm and get onto the plane. I sleep the entire flight. I am not afraid of crashing. I am not afraid of terrorists. For me, being confined in a space that I have no control as to when I can get out is what I fear the most.
Backseat of a 2-door car - When I was at my worst I would never do sit in the backseat of a 2-door car for the very same reason as above. I had no escape. I was stuck, confined, forced to be somewhere I didn’t want to be. **I still don’t love this, but will do it no problem.
Being alone - Anxiety feeds off of being alone. People that are alone are prisoners to their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences. They have no release, no distraction. People that suffer with anxiety desperately need distraction. When I was alone I feared having a panic attack and not having anyone there to help me. **I am very much into alone time now. :)
Being with others - I couldn’t win. I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to be with others. Being with others was like torture to me - truly. I would sit with others and the whole time think, “breathe, swallow, stop sweating, go to the bathroom to wipe off the sweat, breathe, swallow, nod your head and pretend you are listening.” I would leave places having no idea what I talked about or what others told me. I could not focus on anything other than getting through that moment. **I now love being with people. I teach 33 6th graders. Believe me now? :)
Bridges over water - Oh my goodness. Bridges over water was a big fear. If at all possible, even if it meant going out of my way by miles to avoid a bridge over water I would. I never agreed to plans with others if it meant I had to drive over a bridge by myself. Up until about a year ago every time I would go over a bridge I would, unlock my door and seatbelt and roll down my window. That’s right. If that car was going off the bridge I was diving out. At the time I thought I was just a very prepared individual.....nope...I was just a tad crazy. **Although I do not love bridges, I drive them often and do so without my crazy “prepared” routine.
Planned events - The biggest rule to being someone with anxiety is that you do not make plans ever with people and if you do, you already have planned in your head when and how you are going to cancel. **Luckily this is not something that is a struggle for me any longer.
Driving - Enough said. Driving can still make me anxious sometimes, mostly when I am not sure where I am going. I have found that chewing gum makes the anxiety go down quite significantly. So for all you nervous drivers out there, pick up some Trident. :)
Elevators - I use to N.E.V.E.R. go on elevators. I would rather walk up 11 flights of stairs (which I have done) than be stuck in a metal box that could trap me. Irrational? Yes. I no longer have this fear. Elevators are now just fine. In fact I ride one everyday to get up into my apartment.
Cats - Many people hate cats. But fear them? Not so many. Although I do not have a fear of cats now, this has not always been true. I was terrified of cats. If I saw one I would cross the street, walk to other way, get into my car, walk into a random store, anything to get away from the beasts. I could have sworn they were out to get me. I would have dreams at night that cats would be jumping out of trees attacking me. I sit here now and laugh as I type this thinking, "how crazy!" But, seriously, cats were a big fear.
Sit near an exit - Working with anxiety taught me to always sit near an exit. I needed an escape. I needed to be able to get the heck out of there quickly. I think I now know how to get out of every building the fastest way possible. Although I do not have to sit near an exit now, I often do and recently realized it is just a habit for me to do so.
Hospitals - Hate ‘em. Yes, I am married to a future doctor. Yes, I do go visit sometimes. And yes, I still don't like it.
Doctor - We’ll talk about this in another post....
Public Transportation - Although I love it now, you couldn’t have forced me onto a bus 3 years ago. I would have rather been ran over by it than sitting on it. Rational huh?
Heights - I hate heights. Always have, probably always will.
Big Events - Concert? Blazer Game? Weddings? THE WORST. Before I was never able to attend these things, even small things like church was a chore. Now, I am able to go to these events. I still get anxious, but I know how to work with it better and know that I will survive.
Mice - Hate. Hate. Hate. Fear? Yes. Hate? Yes.
Waiting in Line - Oh the perils of shopping. Want to give an anxious person a panic attack? Make them stand in a line and wait. I can remember countless times that I left my entire cart of food in the line and just went to my car and left. (Sorry to all those people who had to put the food back!) I could not get myself to stand in that line and wait.
Sorry this is such a long post. I just wanted to give you a taste of everyday fears that I experienced and lived. People around you are living with these fears. In fact, 18 million just in America to be more specific.
Be patient. Be loving.
*If this is you, don’t give up.....your not crazy. You are not alone.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Short Term (dis)Comfort
Knowing that my parents were now aware of the struggle I was going through in some ways made things easier (good advice, etc.) However, it also made several things more difficult.
I am a people pleaser. I love to make people happy. I love it when people I love are proud of me. Aren't we all? Because I so desperately wanted to please people, especially those closest to me I began to hide information from them. If someone asked how I was doing I would say, "Good" when in all reality I was not sure if I would be able to compose myself to take another relaxing breath.
Because of this, and because of my fear of failure, I allowed my anxiety to dictate my behavior. I stopped going places, found excuses for almost everything and most often was at home. What do you do when you are at home, stressed and trying to find comfort? If you are me, you eat.
I was never an overweight person. I was never a stick either. I ate what I wanted, but was so active that it did not matter. Well, the activity stopped. The eating didn't. I wouldn't say that I was eating A LOT of food, I just was not eating very healthy foods and with the lack of activity (aka sitting on the couch all the time), the stress, not sleeping at night, etc. the pounds piled on.
We laugh about it now because I look at pictures of myself at my worst and say to my husband, "Could you have told me I was that big?!" He laughs and says, "I honestly do not remember you being like that." He is sweet. Sweet but wrong. :)
Here are two pictures of me at my heaviest - when things were the hardest for me.
As I slowly got better (which I will talk about in another post) and began working out I started to lose weight. Now mind you, I had to teach myself how to workout again. It looked a little like this:
*For a few months I would jog in place in my apartment and do crunches and push ups.
*When I gathered the courage I would run to my mail box (about 25 feet away) and back time and time again.
*Pretty soon I was able to walk to the church beside my house and walk laps around it. I am sure they wondered who the crazy lady was as sometimes I would walk fifteen or so laps.
*When my husband was home he would drive me to the track and run with me. I started by running 1/4 of a lap and than walked. Walked and ran.
None of this happened overnight. I worked hard. I remember crying as I ran, sometimes too much to breath and had to stop, compose myself and start up again.
***Update****
Last June, 3 years after struggling intensely with anxiety I ran a 1/2 marathon. This for me was a huge accomplishment. It was a time for me when I realized the fighting against the anxiety had paid off. I am now 61lbs lighter and have learned healthier ways to work with my anxiety besides eating.
Below is a picture of me at the beach in San Diego last summer conquering fears - airplanes, the ocean, body boarding and bathing suits. eek. God has brought me so far.
I am a people pleaser. I love to make people happy. I love it when people I love are proud of me. Aren't we all? Because I so desperately wanted to please people, especially those closest to me I began to hide information from them. If someone asked how I was doing I would say, "Good" when in all reality I was not sure if I would be able to compose myself to take another relaxing breath.
Because of this, and because of my fear of failure, I allowed my anxiety to dictate my behavior. I stopped going places, found excuses for almost everything and most often was at home. What do you do when you are at home, stressed and trying to find comfort? If you are me, you eat.
I was never an overweight person. I was never a stick either. I ate what I wanted, but was so active that it did not matter. Well, the activity stopped. The eating didn't. I wouldn't say that I was eating A LOT of food, I just was not eating very healthy foods and with the lack of activity (aka sitting on the couch all the time), the stress, not sleeping at night, etc. the pounds piled on.
We laugh about it now because I look at pictures of myself at my worst and say to my husband, "Could you have told me I was that big?!" He laughs and says, "I honestly do not remember you being like that." He is sweet. Sweet but wrong. :)
Here are two pictures of me at my heaviest - when things were the hardest for me.
 |
| About 215lbs (5'7") |
 | ||||
| Wearing a snug size 16 |
As I slowly got better (which I will talk about in another post) and began working out I started to lose weight. Now mind you, I had to teach myself how to workout again. It looked a little like this:
*For a few months I would jog in place in my apartment and do crunches and push ups.
*When I gathered the courage I would run to my mail box (about 25 feet away) and back time and time again.
*Pretty soon I was able to walk to the church beside my house and walk laps around it. I am sure they wondered who the crazy lady was as sometimes I would walk fifteen or so laps.
*When my husband was home he would drive me to the track and run with me. I started by running 1/4 of a lap and than walked. Walked and ran.
None of this happened overnight. I worked hard. I remember crying as I ran, sometimes too much to breath and had to stop, compose myself and start up again.
***Update****
Last June, 3 years after struggling intensely with anxiety I ran a 1/2 marathon. This for me was a huge accomplishment. It was a time for me when I realized the fighting against the anxiety had paid off. I am now 61lbs lighter and have learned healthier ways to work with my anxiety besides eating.
Below is a picture of me at the beach in San Diego last summer conquering fears - airplanes, the ocean, body boarding and bathing suits. eek. God has brought me so far.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Mama Knows Best
Slowly my world got smaller. I cancelled plans, stopped singing (which was very important in my life), called into work sick often and wanted to do nothing more than be at home. Fear of panicking, fear of people seeing me crazy began controlling my life.
My mask in which I hid behind remained the same size, while my struggles became bigger and deeper, spewing from the sides for those closest for me to see. Running a non-profit out of my parents house kept me not only busy but over there often. One day as I was standing in the garage organizing my mom walked in. She began to help me as we chatted about life. Just like it happened yesterday, I recall our conversation. Why? Because it was life changing.
"Erin, I want to talk with you about something." my mom said as we continued to work. I began to sweat, heart racing, "Yea? What's up?" I replied as cool as I could. "Are you okay? You don't seem yourself," my mom spoke gently. My eyes burned and my throat felt tight. I swallowed hoping that somehow the tears lining up behind my eyes would retreat. "I'm fine," I quickly blurted. "I am just concerned that you are struggling with anxiety," she said as she walked towards me. I couldn't do anything. I stood there. I couldn't reply. If I did I would cry. My mom came over to me and wrapped me in her arms like I was once again a small child. And at that moment I was. I began to cry. My life was good, but I was struggling. My husband was wonderful, but there are moments in life when every girl needs their mom. I desperately needed my mom and she knew it.
We walked into the house and talked for a time, spoke with my Dad and than my husband. Right there, for the first time, I felt like it was not a bad thing that people knew I was struggling. Right there, for the first time I truly was able to identify all of these scary feelings as "anxiety". My mom, being a anxiety survivor herself, suggested I get good exercise, read about it, talk about it and see a doctor if I needed to. I left that day feeling encouraged, supported, and not nearly as lonely as I had been.
I spoke with my mom just a few days ago and asked her how she knew at that time. She said, " I saw some of the same things that had happened to me. Your hands were shaky, you didn't feel well, your stomach was sick. You didn't want to do things that you normally did. Such as sing, watch a movie or just go somewhere. You were making decisions based on how you felt rather than on what you normally would do. You couldn't focus on tedious things. You couldn't relax. I also knew that too much change had taken place and ANYONE would have trouble with so many things changing."
So this blog is to my mama for being perceptive, loving and embracing me when I needed it most. Love you soo much!
My mask in which I hid behind remained the same size, while my struggles became bigger and deeper, spewing from the sides for those closest for me to see. Running a non-profit out of my parents house kept me not only busy but over there often. One day as I was standing in the garage organizing my mom walked in. She began to help me as we chatted about life. Just like it happened yesterday, I recall our conversation. Why? Because it was life changing.
"Erin, I want to talk with you about something." my mom said as we continued to work. I began to sweat, heart racing, "Yea? What's up?" I replied as cool as I could. "Are you okay? You don't seem yourself," my mom spoke gently. My eyes burned and my throat felt tight. I swallowed hoping that somehow the tears lining up behind my eyes would retreat. "I'm fine," I quickly blurted. "I am just concerned that you are struggling with anxiety," she said as she walked towards me. I couldn't do anything. I stood there. I couldn't reply. If I did I would cry. My mom came over to me and wrapped me in her arms like I was once again a small child. And at that moment I was. I began to cry. My life was good, but I was struggling. My husband was wonderful, but there are moments in life when every girl needs their mom. I desperately needed my mom and she knew it.
We walked into the house and talked for a time, spoke with my Dad and than my husband. Right there, for the first time, I felt like it was not a bad thing that people knew I was struggling. Right there, for the first time I truly was able to identify all of these scary feelings as "anxiety". My mom, being a anxiety survivor herself, suggested I get good exercise, read about it, talk about it and see a doctor if I needed to. I left that day feeling encouraged, supported, and not nearly as lonely as I had been.
I spoke with my mom just a few days ago and asked her how she knew at that time. She said, " I saw some of the same things that had happened to me. Your hands were shaky, you didn't feel well, your stomach was sick. You didn't want to do things that you normally did. Such as sing, watch a movie or just go somewhere. You were making decisions based on how you felt rather than on what you normally would do. You couldn't focus on tedious things. You couldn't relax. I also knew that too much change had taken place and ANYONE would have trouble with so many things changing."
So this blog is to my mama for being perceptive, loving and embracing me when I needed it most. Love you soo much!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Comfort Zones
Dripping sweat
Shaky hands
Breathing difficult
Weak knees
Vision fading
Running a marathon, playing basketball, working out - these are common symptoms after a hard workout. These are the same symptoms I had as I sat in my car......in my driveway.
I had gone to classes as long as I could close by and online. To further my education I had to enroll in a University that was 45 minutes from my house. 10 minutes of the drive was in town and the rest of drive was on a long beautiful country road. As you may have figured out, country roads were my thing - traffic NO WAY.
The whole morning before I put myself in that car I fretted and worried about having to go. I thought too much about it, thought about everything that could go wrong, tried to control what I was thinking, but was far from able to do that.
I walked to my car from my front door and in less than that 30 seconds it took for me to get to and into the car, panic had swept over me. I sat in my car, crying - with so many thoughts running through my head.
"You're fine. You have done this a million times."
"You are not the same anymore, what if you have a panic attack while you are driving?
"Okay, Erin, let's say you freak out, just pull the car over until you are calm and then continue."
"You can't continue on if your car breaks down. What are you going to do then?"
"If my car breaks down I will call my family or friends and someone can come help me"
"By the time they get there you will panicking and then everyone will know"
I slowly removed my things from the car and walked back up to my apartment. I could not do it. I could not let anyone know how badly I was struggling. Maybe tomorrow would be better I kept thinking.
This exact situation happened more times than I can count.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
It slowly creeps in...
There I was - a full time wife, college student, employee, daughter, sister, friend and most of all perfectionist. OH! and I was running a non-profit working with teen girls. With all of these things going on I began to feel worried and stressed often. Sleeping at night became difficult and I slowly noticed I stopped doing the things I loved because of the stress of worry that they would produce. I slowly was secluding myself.
At the time, I was employed at a small business that I would take a back road to everyday. I never took any other roads. Often people with anxiety have routines and patterns that cannot be disrupted - this was the first thing I noticed was so different than my normal randomness of life. Every morning I would wake up at the same time, eat the same thing, pack the same lunch, get into my car, and drive the same country road that I was assured would have no more than 2 or 3 other cars on it.
I would work minimally with people which was good, but also gave my mind way too much time to let my mind wander to irrational places. Soon, going anywhere became something I dreaded. Especially work where I was often on my own with time to think. I remember driving to work one day and thought, 'If I just pull this car off the road into a ditch, maybe I would break my leg and not have to leave the house for awhile.' That day I came home and told my husband that I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me but something was....at that time he didn't know either.
Being a perfectionist and concerned with how people would think of me, I said nothing to no one about my struggles. I told my husband some things but not all (now he knows). 'Who would want a crazy wife?!' I would tell myself. Keeping everything to myself did not help, in fact it made it much more lonely and frustrating than it already was. However, I became a good actress - 'no one will see me like this. It will go away,' I would tell myself. So anytime I was around people my mask of perfection would come on.....however...the anxiety slowly started to eat through the mask. People closet to me, my family, began to see that something was different.
That was just the beginning...
At the time, I was employed at a small business that I would take a back road to everyday. I never took any other roads. Often people with anxiety have routines and patterns that cannot be disrupted - this was the first thing I noticed was so different than my normal randomness of life. Every morning I would wake up at the same time, eat the same thing, pack the same lunch, get into my car, and drive the same country road that I was assured would have no more than 2 or 3 other cars on it.
I would work minimally with people which was good, but also gave my mind way too much time to let my mind wander to irrational places. Soon, going anywhere became something I dreaded. Especially work where I was often on my own with time to think. I remember driving to work one day and thought, 'If I just pull this car off the road into a ditch, maybe I would break my leg and not have to leave the house for awhile.' That day I came home and told my husband that I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me but something was....at that time he didn't know either.
Being a perfectionist and concerned with how people would think of me, I said nothing to no one about my struggles. I told my husband some things but not all (now he knows). 'Who would want a crazy wife?!' I would tell myself. Keeping everything to myself did not help, in fact it made it much more lonely and frustrating than it already was. However, I became a good actress - 'no one will see me like this. It will go away,' I would tell myself. So anytime I was around people my mask of perfection would come on.....however...the anxiety slowly started to eat through the mask. People closet to me, my family, began to see that something was different.
That was just the beginning...
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
GAD
There are things in life that make us naturally anxious....job interviews....operations....fear of the unknown.....etc. Most people feel nervous or anxious in situations like these. Then there are people like me.......
About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with a severe case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). What is GAD? In the simplest of terms....it is constant anxiety which can turn into panic attacks and other lovely (or not) physical symptoms. I remember it was in the spring of 2009 when things got to a breaking point.
If you know me, you know I am an outgoing, strong, fun loving person. None of this was true for me during this time of my life. So for today's post I will tell you a small part of my background so you can follow the rest of the blogs to come.
*I met the most amazing man when I as 17. He quickly became my best friend, than my boyfriend, my fiance and than when I was 20 years old we got married. (We just celebrated 5 years in September).
*I began college full time right after high school and after my freshman year, got married, continued full time school and began working full time as well.
*My relationship with Christ grew tremendously as I worked with anxiety.
*At my worst I was having panic attacks when doing nothing more than sitting at home watching a movie.
This is my journey. Thanks for walking it with me. If you have specific questions as I blog just email or comment me and I will do my best to answer them.
About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with a severe case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). What is GAD? In the simplest of terms....it is constant anxiety which can turn into panic attacks and other lovely (or not) physical symptoms. I remember it was in the spring of 2009 when things got to a breaking point.
If you know me, you know I am an outgoing, strong, fun loving person. None of this was true for me during this time of my life. So for today's post I will tell you a small part of my background so you can follow the rest of the blogs to come.
*I met the most amazing man when I as 17. He quickly became my best friend, than my boyfriend, my fiance and than when I was 20 years old we got married. (We just celebrated 5 years in September).
*I began college full time right after high school and after my freshman year, got married, continued full time school and began working full time as well.
*My relationship with Christ grew tremendously as I worked with anxiety.
*At my worst I was having panic attacks when doing nothing more than sitting at home watching a movie.
This is my journey. Thanks for walking it with me. If you have specific questions as I blog just email or comment me and I will do my best to answer them.
One of Millions
According to the National Institute of Mental Health about 18% of the US adult population struggles with diagnosed anxiety. When you think about it, that is millions of people struggling....and I am one of them. Stay tuned as I share my story of my past and present struggles with anxiety.
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