Lost

LONG POST AHEAD:

The last few months have been rough. I went through some really tough stuff in January and February, which left March to catch my breath and April to sort some things out. Yes, I am very honest and share just about everything with you, however, because this is a public forum there are some issues I need to not share on this blog. But to catch you up, as I'm finding most of you do not know, I took a leave of absence from my teaching job at the end of February/beginning of March until the end of the school year.

Those of you that know me personally can attest that I am a very confident person. I always have been. I've never really questioned who I am or who I want to be. When I took a leave of absence from work, all of this changed. For several days I just cried. I felt like I abandoned my students. Due to the situation, I was unable to tell them I was leaving, say goodbye or wrap things up in a semi nice bow. I was broken. I pour everything I am into my students and to all of the sudden leave crushed my heart. I'm not being dramatic - this was probably up-to-date one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Yes, I am still sad it had to go that way, however, sadness moved to confusion. In severe cases of anxiety. without realizing, you allow it to make decisions for you. Driving was hard, eating was hard, sleeping was hard, talking to anyone was hard, leaving the house was hard, staying in the house was hard, EVERYTHING I once enjoyed and loved was now hard. I was left confused. Everything I once liked I now hated and did not enjoy, every dream I had I now feared, every belief that I was good at my job vanished. I was left with an empty feeling. Just a few weeks ago I told my husband - "I don't know who I am anymore."

I have been reading tons of books, self-help, biographies, etc. hoping to get insight on how to change all of this. I felt robbed. Something stole my identity and I was left grasping for straws.

All of this changed last night.

Last night at church, in my own quiet time, I was reminded of something important. It rang through my head so clear. "Erin, you have not lost who you are, what you love, your passions or your dreams. Remember, your identity is found Christ." Who I am and what I am passionate about has never changed. Medically, things have changed, mentally some things have changed, but overall, I was reminded that you cannot walk around feeling like something was stolen from you, when in all reality, you gave it away.

I allowed anxiety and past events to steal who I believe I am, what I am passionate about and what my soul longs for.  No, I am not cured or healed. I still have anxiety, I still have negative thoughts about myself pop into my head, but here is what I know to be true:

I am loved.
I am made for a purpose.
I am thankful.
I am grateful.
I am His.

Give the song a listen whether you believe or not - God is always good.