Say What You Mean.....

Looking at your life honestly is something that is not anyone's favorite thing to do. We all have faults, failures, regrets, etc. We let people down, we let ourselves down. Why as a society are we so afraid to be wrong? To take responsibility? I'm certainly not immune to it. Here is what I mean....

"I don't have any regrets because everything has made me who I am today." 
                       Sweet thought but I'm going to call your bluff on that one. I have done things I absolutely regret and wish I never did/said/thought. Saying that is putting a bandaid on a scar - you can sure cover it up, but it will always be there. We don't have to live in the regrets, but why not just come out and say, "I screwed up."

"He/She mad me mad."
                       Not possible. You control your emotions. It doesn't mean that person wasn't insensitive or unkind, or just plain annoying, but you decide whether you are going to be mad. 

"Don't feel bad about anything that makes you smile." 
                       Seriously? That's is absurd. I have smiled or laughed one to many times AT people not with them. I have done things so ridiculously dumb I can't help but laugh, but that doesn't mean it was okay. I know what people are intending when they say this, but come on.......

"I'm sorry."
                       Woah! Hang on there Erin......this is something GOOD. Well, yes and no. My students and I have a joke/honest look on this. I always ask, "Are you sorry or just sorry you got caught?" Because here is the thing, saying sorry just to say it means you are lying. Don't say it unless you truly are. (Kid's are usually sorry they got caught :) )

"That was a bad time in my life."
                        That is an honest statement, but why do we phrase it like that? Like we were not attached to anything that happened during that time. 

This is on my mind for many reasons, but one is, I took responsibility for something today that was not easy. I earlier agreed to help a friend with something very important in the hopes that my anxiety would be sufficiently better - it's not. I contacted that friend and had to take responsibility. I had to honestly say, "I do not think I can do this right now. I am not where I want and need to be with my anxiety to help like I said I could. I am sorry."

Here's the kicker.......it made me feel terrible. That's right. I took responsibility and I felt like an awful person. I hate letting people down, but I value people more than lies I could tell. I still do not feel good about it. I feel bad that I said "yes" only to get their hopes up and than let them down. I feel like if I really was a good friend I would help, but I know that I am not in a place that I should right now.

Taking responsibility and being honest is not easy and sometimes it will make you feel worse. But I know, I would rather hear the truth than have someone throw around phrases they don't mean such as, "I'm sorry", "I love you" and "It wasn't my fault."

Here is my challenge to you - be honest. Instead of me saying, "My anxiety is bad today", I really should be saying, "I'm not doing well handling my anxiety today."

Just a thought from a guilty party....

Erin

Lost

LONG POST AHEAD:

The last few months have been rough. I went through some really tough stuff in January and February, which left March to catch my breath and April to sort some things out. Yes, I am very honest and share just about everything with you, however, because this is a public forum there are some issues I need to not share on this blog. But to catch you up, as I'm finding most of you do not know, I took a leave of absence from my teaching job at the end of February/beginning of March until the end of the school year.

Those of you that know me personally can attest that I am a very confident person. I always have been. I've never really questioned who I am or who I want to be. When I took a leave of absence from work, all of this changed. For several days I just cried. I felt like I abandoned my students. Due to the situation, I was unable to tell them I was leaving, say goodbye or wrap things up in a semi nice bow. I was broken. I pour everything I am into my students and to all of the sudden leave crushed my heart. I'm not being dramatic - this was probably up-to-date one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Yes, I am still sad it had to go that way, however, sadness moved to confusion. In severe cases of anxiety. without realizing, you allow it to make decisions for you. Driving was hard, eating was hard, sleeping was hard, talking to anyone was hard, leaving the house was hard, staying in the house was hard, EVERYTHING I once enjoyed and loved was now hard. I was left confused. Everything I once liked I now hated and did not enjoy, every dream I had I now feared, every belief that I was good at my job vanished. I was left with an empty feeling. Just a few weeks ago I told my husband - "I don't know who I am anymore."

I have been reading tons of books, self-help, biographies, etc. hoping to get insight on how to change all of this. I felt robbed. Something stole my identity and I was left grasping for straws.

All of this changed last night.

Last night at church, in my own quiet time, I was reminded of something important. It rang through my head so clear. "Erin, you have not lost who you are, what you love, your passions or your dreams. Remember, your identity is found Christ." Who I am and what I am passionate about has never changed. Medically, things have changed, mentally some things have changed, but overall, I was reminded that you cannot walk around feeling like something was stolen from you, when in all reality, you gave it away.

I allowed anxiety and past events to steal who I believe I am, what I am passionate about and what my soul longs for.  No, I am not cured or healed. I still have anxiety, I still have negative thoughts about myself pop into my head, but here is what I know to be true:

I am loved.
I am made for a purpose.
I am thankful.
I am grateful.
I am His.

Give the song a listen whether you believe or not - God is always good.