Finals...

Hmm.....it has been awhile sense I have written. Why? I have been stumped where to go from the last post. I was not instantly cured. I began my medicine and it took about 4 months to really feel the effects - AKA not freaking out all the gosh dang time. So, if you choose the medicine route, please remember not to be discouraged with the lack of immediate results.

However, after 4 months on medicine I was CURED. Okay....not really...hope you haven't stopped reading. I began taking my medicine in June and was signed up for an entire term of summer courses at my university 40 minutes from home. 4 minutes in a car when you have bad anxiety is do able, 40 is torture. As you now know, the first few months were not easy as the medicine takes time to work. In the meantime though I was reading everything about anxiety I could. I tried everything - exercise, sleep, relaxation, meditation, hypnosis online (not sure I should admit that). In times where you feel like your life is going to hell you are willing to try just about anything.

I drove a back country road to school everyday. I listened to music to help distract me. I chewed gum to help me keep busy, and I turned my A/C on full blast to keep the anxiety sweat at bay. Let me be clear though, driving was not the hardest part of summer term - the classes were. In summer courses classes are smaller and strange behavior is much more noticeable. And let's just get this out in the open - I had strange behavior. I'm okay with admitting that.

Not many people know this, but my last 2 years of college I was a straight A student. I know several people who are going to read this post who went to school with me and may be shocked, but it's true. I am not telling you this to brag, but I am trying to give you an idea of how much anxiety can take a toll on someone. So, here it goes..... That summer I had to take a course called Linguistics. Mind you, I am a middle school Language Arts teacher - this course should not have been difficult for me. HA. I did all the required reading, workbook practice and found help outside of the class. I put more effort into that course than any course I have ever taken.

I remember studying so hard for the final. My mind would wander though and my body would fidget making studying a chore. Not only was I struggling with anxiety, but tests shot that anxiety through the roof. I remember thinking as I drove to class...."What if I pass out? What if I can't breathe? What if I have to leave the room before my test is done?" Remember the strange behavior I told you about? Here it comes...

I walked into the room (15 of us in the whole class) and went straight to the professor. Before I knew it, my mouth was opening and I was speaking ridiculousness. "Can I sit on the ground and take my final?" I asked. "Um..........sure?" The professor replied. So that is what I did. Why? I have no clue! Honestly I don't....all I know is that for some reason that made me feel better.

Okay, okay.......what is the point? I received a D- in the class. I was devastated. Never in my life had I gotten that low of a grade. Ouch. Getting that D- made me take a really good look at my anxiety though and how it was not only effecting me mentally and physically but also academically as concentration was rare.

As a teacher now, I remember this when working with students that have anxiety. They may be giving it their absolute best, but trying to just breathe normal may be invading every focused thought they have.

“Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals.”
― Winifred Gallagher