During this season of life I have taken time to slowly turn my snow globe (life). Although I know the picture of my life below and have for a long time, I am just now, wiping away some of the glitter to see the details. Details that have and will forever change me.
I'm reading a book right now. I do that a lot - read. Never in my life have I read something and thought - "someone stole my soul and put it on paper." That is, until last weekend. I am 5 pages into this book and my snow globe of a life and been turned over quickly and is revealing my scene - my details. I cried through the first 5 pages, closed the book and prayed - "Thank you for putting someone out there to write my heart - someone braver than me."
So, this is me. I have thought about sharing this for 4 days and decided not to because it was too personal. However, this is my life and it might be yours too. This is a true, raw, honest, naked look at my soul and who I am. I did not write this, but it's as if I did.
"My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am. I want to be perfect in every situation. I just do. I want to know what to do. I want to know how to do it right. And I want to do it. All. By. My. Big. Self. Not only do I want to do everything perfectly, I want to look perfect while doing it. I want to act perfect and sing perfect and have perfect teeth. I want to parent perfectly, to wife perfectly, and to have a clean house. All the time.
My solution to the disconnect between my perfect, imaginary self and my real-life self is to force life to look the way I want. Somehow. Anyhow. And so I work and I labor and I do the right thing. I stay strong when I feel weak and I fake happy when I want to cry because my ideal image has everything to do with put together and nothing to do with falling apart.
Because I care so much about what you think, my hiding has everything to do with you...If you wonder what gives you the authority to define me, I will say it is because you exist.....
This fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage. And so I am cautious in my love. I am timid in my faith. My life tells a small story, however, I feel safe when I'm invisible. So I stay a good girl. And I hide.
I hide behind my smile and my laid-back personality. I hide behind "fine" and "good". I hide behind strong and responsible. I hide behind busy and comfortable and working hard toward your expectations. And if I do not meet your expectations, I hide behind indifferent.......
I beg you to see me, to notice my goodness, to ignore my failure, to be inspired by my beauty, to be captivated by my essence.
And then there is God.
I know God is big enough to redeem the unruly, the rejected, and the addict. I know about the God who reaches way down into the pit and the One whose love stretches to the heavens. But I fear he misses the details. What about the girl in the middle?....
I'm not so sure, so I vow to do everything right: to be a good girl, a good Christian, a good wife...I try hard to measure up to what I believe are his expectations of me...
I feel fear. It washes over me with its lies and half-truths....When you reject me, be it real or perceived, I ponder and defend inside my head. And the fear wins a little more of my heart until I discover I am stuck by it, unable to move beyond it. My fear becomes my truth, and if you try to convince me otherwise, I am convinced that you just don't know. You are naive and I am a realist. You are too simple and I am complicated. You are wrong and I am right."
It may sound ugly, but it's true. It's real. It's 100% how I find myself thinking. But since I read that, and the glitter was moved around so I could see the details, I know everything will change.
Step 1) Realizing you have a problem. - Pride in an ugly ugly way.
Step 2) Change it.
Stay Honest.
Erin
*Book "Grace for the Good Girl" by Emily P. Freeman
And because sign language is beautiful and this song fit perfectly........
