Say What You Mean.....

Looking at your life honestly is something that is not anyone's favorite thing to do. We all have faults, failures, regrets, etc. We let people down, we let ourselves down. Why as a society are we so afraid to be wrong? To take responsibility? I'm certainly not immune to it. Here is what I mean....

"I don't have any regrets because everything has made me who I am today." 
                       Sweet thought but I'm going to call your bluff on that one. I have done things I absolutely regret and wish I never did/said/thought. Saying that is putting a bandaid on a scar - you can sure cover it up, but it will always be there. We don't have to live in the regrets, but why not just come out and say, "I screwed up."

"He/She mad me mad."
                       Not possible. You control your emotions. It doesn't mean that person wasn't insensitive or unkind, or just plain annoying, but you decide whether you are going to be mad. 

"Don't feel bad about anything that makes you smile." 
                       Seriously? That's is absurd. I have smiled or laughed one to many times AT people not with them. I have done things so ridiculously dumb I can't help but laugh, but that doesn't mean it was okay. I know what people are intending when they say this, but come on.......

"I'm sorry."
                       Woah! Hang on there Erin......this is something GOOD. Well, yes and no. My students and I have a joke/honest look on this. I always ask, "Are you sorry or just sorry you got caught?" Because here is the thing, saying sorry just to say it means you are lying. Don't say it unless you truly are. (Kid's are usually sorry they got caught :) )

"That was a bad time in my life."
                        That is an honest statement, but why do we phrase it like that? Like we were not attached to anything that happened during that time. 

This is on my mind for many reasons, but one is, I took responsibility for something today that was not easy. I earlier agreed to help a friend with something very important in the hopes that my anxiety would be sufficiently better - it's not. I contacted that friend and had to take responsibility. I had to honestly say, "I do not think I can do this right now. I am not where I want and need to be with my anxiety to help like I said I could. I am sorry."

Here's the kicker.......it made me feel terrible. That's right. I took responsibility and I felt like an awful person. I hate letting people down, but I value people more than lies I could tell. I still do not feel good about it. I feel bad that I said "yes" only to get their hopes up and than let them down. I feel like if I really was a good friend I would help, but I know that I am not in a place that I should right now.

Taking responsibility and being honest is not easy and sometimes it will make you feel worse. But I know, I would rather hear the truth than have someone throw around phrases they don't mean such as, "I'm sorry", "I love you" and "It wasn't my fault."

Here is my challenge to you - be honest. Instead of me saying, "My anxiety is bad today", I really should be saying, "I'm not doing well handling my anxiety today."

Just a thought from a guilty party....

Erin