Rest

I grew up playing sports. I don't consider myself a natural athlete. Sports do not come easy to me - they take hard work. I dabbled in most sports, but my love was always for basketball. I loved the play basketball, watch basketball and listen to basketball. I wasn't an incredible player, but I loved it and it meant two things - working out and being with my dad.

My dad is an incredible man. I have never met someone who didn't like my dad. He is easy going, funny, comforting, has a great imagination and is super competitive. We definitely have that in common - competition. Basketball was a time where I got to either spend time with my dad (because he was my coach), sit with my dad and/or talk with my dad. Even though it seemed like "just another sport" to some people, to me it was more.

That said, I was raised always working out in some way or another. I set goals, worked hard and hated to lose. That is still true for me today.

In the winter of 2011 I decided that I really wanted to run a half marathon. A few things you should know - I was not a runner, I hated to run and I got bored REALLY easily. But, my mind was made up and I was going to do it. I started training for in January for a half marathon in June. Six months is truly adequate time to train, however, if you live in the Northwest you know that this can become difficult as it rains......a lot. I ran rain or shine. I had set a goal to run the entire race, not stopping once and at a 10 minute pace. However, there is something about running I didn't know much about and that was pacing myself. My body was not used to running, but I took off like I had been running for years. Needless to say, I hurt my hip about 5 weeks before the race. I went to the doctor and they were not sure what was wrong but said I should not run on it anymore. haha yea right. I didn't train for nothing. So, I kept running. It helped with my anxiety, and it allowed me to spend time with my "dad".

As I ran I did a lot of praying. I would listen to worship music and just talk to God like I did my dad. For me it was no longer just running, it was something I needed. The race day came and I ran. I ran the whole way and I ran at a 10 minute pace. By the end of the race I couldn't move my right leg due to my hip killing me and I had a shoe pooled with blood from a blister the size of a golf ball. (TMI?) Motivation? I had a lot of it. Moderation? I had none.

For the last few weeks I have started looking at my life and realizing that I live the same way. I am motivated to do anything and everything, but I do not have much moderation. Holley Gerth says it best:

"One reason is a myth that says, "It's selfish to take care of myself." Oh, most of us would check "false" on that one if we had a test in front of us. But, when we look at how we live, the answer seems quite different. We just talked about running your own race, and every athlete knows that self-care is essential to crossing the finish line well. In much the same way, taking care of yourself is going to be important to accomplishing....filling God's purpose for your life, and loving the people in a your life well."

For the last few months I really was lacking moderation. I had motivation to get better - all the motivation in the world, but no moderation. I wanted to be the best teacher, so I was staying up way to late grading papers and planning lessons. I wanted to be the best wife, so I tried too hard to make sure everything was clean and in order. I wanted to have the best body, so I spent time working out and eating less. I ran on empty physically, mentally and spiritually and soon was not good at any of these things.

Just like after running the race, my body needed time to heal. I still have trouble running because my hip is still injured from not caring for it. I don't want that to be the case forever in my life. I don't want to constantly be walking through life limping with anxiety because I didn't time to rest and heal. Sometimes we have to take a step back and see life for what it is, not how much we can do.

Rest and heal.  

March

People say to me how brave I am for sharing my story and how honest I am. Let's clear some things up. Yes, I am honest....to a fault, but, I am not brave. I don't share my story with you because I somehow have more strength than someone else. I share my story because anxiety is a silent illness. No one wants to talk about it, ask questions about it, or admit they struggle with it.

All of us have issues, mine is anxiety, your's may be depression, anger, body image, perfectionism, loneliness, consequences of past choices, etc. The point is this - stop hiding. We all are struggling. If one person gets anything from my story that makes their life better it will have been worth sharing it. But let's be clear, it is WAY out of my comfort zone to share my life, my struggles, my hurts, my joys, but countless emails remind me why I share.

The last month has been difficult. Due to my increasing anxiety I was unable to begin working full days again. A very long story later, I have taken a leave of absence for the remainder of the year. For the first three days I just cried. My family was amazing as well as my husband during this time. It is now my 3rd week off and here I am. Working with my anxiety, trying to find a better medication, learning to better control panic attacks, and most of all doing something I'm not good at - taking time for me.

I'm reading a book right now called, "You're Already Amazing". So many things she talks about is an arrow to the depths of my heart. A few things....

"Emotions make great messengers but bad bosses."

"Your emotions have nothing to do with your reality right now."

"Life's hard. We get hurt. That means sometimes what we need most is for God to stop us right in the middle of our road as we limp along and say,"Daughter, sit down. Rest. Heal. Let me tend to your wounds."

The last one is me right now. Life is proving difficult and what I need most is for God to step in and get my attention and tell me to rest and tend to my wounds. And he did. I now have time to think, shower, eat, take care of me. More about this tomorrow.....but for now, look at your life. Do you need a break? Take care of yourself or you can't take care of others.