Thoughts

When life as you know it turns sideways and things you do normally day to day become a daunting or unrealistic task, you can't help but feel like YOU are doing something wrong. Yes, anxiety indeed has physical aspects that are not enjoyable, but anxiety, along with many other disorders, or even just low self esteem is a large majority just mental.

You are doing something wrong. 

Everyone is looking at you. 

You missed a day of work, you are a bad employee.

You are not a good teacher.

You can't focus on anything because your not strong enough.

You don't fight hard enough.

You don't believe strong enough. 

You don't read your Bible enough. 

You don't clean your house enough.

You are too short with your husband. 

You are not being the wife he wants - he deserves. 

You are not as skinny as other girls. 

You can't sit at that red light, you had a panic attack last night. 

You can't tell anyone, they'll think you have issues. 

I didn't just make these thoughts up. These are things I think. Sometimes daily. THEY ARE NOT TRUE. Here are the rules I have taught myself about anxiety and self talk. 

1) It is not okay for you to portray your feelings on someone else. 

              Example: Did Casey say you were a bad wife? Did he say he wanted something better?

2) Stop the snowball effect. 

               Example: I missed work. I am a bad employee and teacher.

3) Don't let past events control you. 

               Example: You can't sit through that red light. You had a panic attack last time. 

4) Stop thinking so much about yourself! 

I am not here to preach to you or at you. This is me, being real, telling you, this is what people with anxiety and many other disorders can think in a matter of seconds. It is NOT okay. I know it is not okay, but I have to reteach myself how to think positive. Throughout the day I have to give myself reason to be proud. I don't care how small or stupid of a task it may seem, but if it was something you told yourself you couldn't do and did - KUDOS. 

Because I am at a place where I am struggling a lot with my anxiety also known as "Panic Disorder" or "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" at the end of everyday I make a list either physically or in my head of what I did that day that I am proud of. 

Today: 

    *I got out of bed at 9am and started my day by reading. 

    *I went to the local dog park with my husband and dog. 

    *Went to home depot with my husband

    *I went to 3 stores alone and stood in line to buy something, 

    *I went to Joann's aka (hell on earth for people with anxiety on a super sale saturday) and had to wait in line over 15 minutes to get my items paid for. I didn't just put them down and leave because I couldn't wait. 

     *I went on a walk. 

Did I sweat? Yes. 

Did I think negative thoughts? Yep.

Was a sick to my stomach? All day. 

Did I have a panic attack? Sure did. 

Did I doubt who I am as a wife, friend and person? of course.

Did I survive? YES.