Long Overdue

Writing in this blog is long overdue. I realized that I just left you with the thought that I got back on medication and things got better again. Well, that's true. But, there is more to the story.

Here's the thing...it's easy to talk about things in the past because you are not experiencing them anymore. You have insight you did not have before. Although there is healing in others in speaking about past experiences, it is rare that is is also healing for you - because you most likely have healed from it, hence the talking about it.

So, the blog, like me, is changing it's shape for awhile. At the end of November, right after Thanksgiving, I started feeling anxious again. I could not figure out why but figure it was just the holidays. But soon, in a matter or days, panic attacks were back and I was "back in the anxiety saddle again." The thing I could not figure out was why as I was taking my medicine and why it was so bad.

I made a doctors appointment that once again I cried through (anxiety makes people cry a lot). They determined that the medication was no longer working with my body as I had been using it for about 5 years and apparently was sick of me. So, we needed to switch medications. We switched medications and things continued to get worse. I was pretty sure that was not how it was supposed to be, so I called a Psychiatrist up at the main hospital who specializes in anxiety and told him I needed to be seen.

I went to the appointment and cried through it again (this is a general theme). He asked me a million questions some that were crazy like counting backwards from one hundred by 7's. When he asked that I replied, "You're kidding right?" needless to say, he wasn't. I'm not a math person - at all. So 80 minutes later when I reached the 70's he just asked me to stop counting. haha.

He asked about my family, my extended family, my relationships with family and to list anyone in my family on either side that struggled with anxiety that I was aware of. I named off the people I knew about and he just looked up at me and laughed. I was sitting there thinking, "Yea, this isn't funny." After laughing he said, "Well, you are VERY genetically loaded for anxiety." In my head I was picturing a gun firing anxiety into me from each one of those people (because I'm weird like that - hence the psychiatrist).

He said because of my family history and my history with medications he wanted to start me on some new meds and counseling. I told him I would do anything to make this anxiety go away. In the mean time......I was trying to teach, be a friend to many, work in our church in Portland, etc. I had to let some things go.

So, here is my point for today. I'm not better. I'm not great. I'm trudging through this right now. It's not fun. I am doing my best. But my point is, be real with people. It helps you heal. I read something yesterday and I wish I wrote it because they took it right out of my brain!

"I will survive this and OVERCOME it.

I will keep moving forward.

I am a fighter.

I will rebuild myself stronger than before.

WATCH ME."

That's my life right now. I am blessed with great people around me and I will again get over this. You will get over whatever you are struggling with, but you have to fight. You have to be willing to kick it in the butt. And part of my process of kicking butt is remember who I serve, how powerful he is and what he has in store for me.