Honesty

I've tried to write this post several times and each time I have come up blank. Not because I don't know what to say, but mostly because I don't want to share the information. Why? Well, I am a sinner who cares a lot about what people think of me and my big bag of pride has been one I have been carrying. It has been on my heart and as I walked yesterday in the sun I was thinking about it again and really felt the tug on my heart to be completely honest with you.

As you know, I have anxiety. This is my 3rd "bout" or "time" with anxiety. The first time was bad because I was uneducated and unaware. The 2nd time was easier because I had hope and knew I could beat it. This time has been much harder and that is because my anxiety is really much worse than it has ever been. I still have the knowledge and the hope, but this time I have to work harder - much harder.

Due to my anxiety and another health issue I had this year, used up all of my sick days. My principal approached me and asked my to apply for the sick pool. (where you can borrow days from others, like myself who have put their extra into a pool). I told her no. I said I was not willing to do that because it is for people who are really sick, like have cancer, or are fighting a terrible disease. She sternly looked at me and said, "Yes, you will enter the sick leave pool. If you got in an accident would you feel bad?" I told her I would not and she continued by saying,"Anxiety is not something that just goes away. Anxiety and panic disorders are exactly that - disorders. I want you to be protected. I want you healthy."

One thing that I have had to do to get healthy and to a better place is working half time. Although it is only for a short time, half days are something I can do and feel successful at right now. I still have panic attacks at school, or at home. I miss my students like crazy and wish I was the one teaching them and helping them grow. I wish my pride did not stand in the way and make me feel like a failure as I leave each day at noon. I am reteaching myself to think positive and celebrate the victories. But, I am independent, a people pleaser and a perfectionist, so working half time is one of the harder things I have ever chosen to agree to. But, my body needs it. My mind needs it. My soul needs it.

But I want you to know. I am getting better. The crying is less often. The anxiety is still present. I still panic with no reason at all, but I do have hope. God is good.

Recently I was listening to music on my i tunes and a song from Casting Crowns came on called Mercy. There is a part of the song that states:

You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say
You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say 

I can't think of any better way to say it or think about it. God is greater than my anxiety yesterday. He is holding me close today. He will be with me tomorrow, and I will always believe that with my whole heart. The song has really been a help to me, a reminder that because of God's great mercy, I can continue to rely on Him. 

There is a link to the song. The video is lame, but the words are incredible. 

Mercy - Casting Crowns

Thank you for reading. Thank you for those of you who have been praying. Thank you for thinking of me. I could never thank you enough. So, from now on, I plan to blog my days, to let you know more about what I did, how it is going, etc. You are now invited to the reality blog of my own personal life. 

May you be reminded of how good life is, 

Erin