Mama Knows Best

Slowly my world got smaller. I cancelled plans, stopped singing (which was very important in my life), called into work sick often and wanted to do nothing more than be at home. Fear of panicking, fear of people seeing me crazy began controlling my life.

My mask in which I hid behind remained the same size, while my struggles became bigger and deeper, spewing from the sides for those closest for me to see. Running a non-profit out of my parents house kept me not only busy but over there often. One day as I was standing in the garage organizing my mom walked in. She began to help me as we chatted about life. Just like it happened yesterday, I recall our conversation. Why? Because it was life changing.

"Erin, I want to talk with you about something." my mom said as we continued to work. I began to sweat, heart racing, "Yea? What's up?" I replied as cool as I could. "Are you okay? You don't seem yourself," my mom spoke gently. My eyes burned and my throat felt tight. I swallowed hoping that somehow the tears lining up behind my eyes would retreat. "I'm fine," I quickly blurted. "I am just concerned that you are struggling with anxiety," she said as she walked towards me. I couldn't do anything. I stood there. I couldn't reply. If I did I would cry. My mom came over to me and wrapped me in her arms like I was once again a small child. And at that moment I was. I began to cry. My life was good, but I was struggling. My husband was wonderful, but there are moments in life when every girl needs their mom. I desperately needed my mom and she knew it.

We walked into the house and talked for a time, spoke with my Dad and than my husband. Right there, for the first time, I felt like it was not a bad thing that people knew I was struggling. Right there, for the first time I truly was able to identify all of these scary feelings as "anxiety". My mom, being a anxiety survivor herself, suggested I get good exercise, read about it, talk about it and see a doctor if I needed to. I left that day feeling encouraged, supported, and not nearly as lonely as I had been.

I spoke with my mom just a few days ago and asked her how she knew at that time. She said, " I saw some of the same things that had happened to me.  Your hands were shaky, you didn't feel well, your stomach was sick.  You didn't want to do things that you normally did.  Such as sing, watch a movie or just go somewhere.  You were making decisions based on how you felt rather than on what you normally would do.  You couldn't focus on tedious things.  You couldn't relax.  I also knew that too much change had taken place and ANYONE would have trouble with so many things changing."

So this blog is to my mama for being perceptive, loving and embracing me when I needed it most. Love you soo much!