Crippling Fear

The heart and soul of anxiety is irrational fears. It is my belief that these fears do not come to life out of the blue, but rather are seen, heard about and/or experienced which leads the already anxious individual into a full blown panic attack over what others may consider “silly.” Mind you, there are disorders where people are fearful of individual things - this would not be what I had. With Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I was lucky enough (yea, right) to become fearful of A LOT of things.

Now, let me explain to you. During this time in my life I knew these fears were stupid, irrational, ridiculous. Mentally I could be logical, physically my body went into fight or flight. haha. That last sentence made me laugh because really, anxiety is all about flight - fleeing, getting away from fears. I once heard “Anxiety is all about avoidance”. This could not be more true.

So, here I go, I am going to bare my irrational fears to you, some I still have, most I do not. I will explain the irrational thoughts surrounding those fears in hopes that you can understand the control one’s mind can have.

Oceans - During this time in my life oceans were one of my biggest fears. I was most afraid of tsunamis. If my husband and I went to the coast for the weekend I didn’t sleep. I would sit up and watch the ocean out the window, making sure that I would have fair warning. **This is no longer a huge fear of mine. I go to the beach often and sure it crosses my mind, but panicking does not set in and I can have a great time.

Airplanes - I learned I was afraid of flying when I flew 14 hours to Latvia. Good time to find out huh? ha...not. Airplanes are still not my favorite thing. However, it does not control what I want to do or where I want to go. I get medicine from the doctor or take a dose of Tylenol pm and get onto the plane. I sleep the entire flight. I am not afraid of crashing. I am not afraid of terrorists. For me, being confined in a space that I have no control as to when I can get out is what I fear the most.

Backseat of a 2-door car - When I was at my worst I would never do sit in the backseat of a 2-door car for the very same reason as above. I had no escape. I was stuck, confined, forced to be somewhere I didn’t want to be. **I still don’t love this, but will do it no problem.

Being alone - Anxiety feeds off of being alone. People that are alone are prisoners to their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences. They have no release, no distraction. People that suffer with anxiety desperately need distraction. When I was alone I feared having a panic attack and not having anyone there to help me. **I am very much into alone time now. :)

Being with others - I couldn’t win. I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to be with others. Being with others was like torture to me - truly. I would sit with others and the whole time think, “breathe, swallow, stop sweating, go to the bathroom to wipe off the sweat, breathe, swallow, nod your head and pretend you are listening.” I would leave places having no idea what I talked about or what others told me. I could not focus on anything other than getting through that moment. **I now love being with people. I teach 33 6th graders. Believe me now? :)

Bridges over water - Oh my goodness. Bridges over water was a big fear. If at all possible, even if it meant going out of my way by miles to avoid a bridge over water I would. I never agreed to plans with others if it meant I had to drive over a bridge by myself. Up until about a year ago every time I would go over a bridge I would, unlock my door and seatbelt and roll down my window. That’s right. If that car was going off the bridge I was diving out. At the time I thought I was just a very prepared individual.....nope...I was just a tad crazy. **Although I do not love bridges, I drive them often and do so without my crazy “prepared” routine.

Planned events - The biggest rule to being someone with anxiety is that you do not make plans ever with people and if you do, you already have planned in your head when and how you are going to cancel. **Luckily this is not something that is a struggle for me any longer.

Driving - Enough said. Driving can still make me anxious sometimes, mostly when I am not sure where I am going. I have found that chewing gum makes the anxiety go down quite significantly. So for all you nervous drivers out there, pick up some Trident. :)

Elevators - I use to N.E.V.E.R. go on elevators. I would rather walk up 11 flights of stairs (which I have done) than be stuck in a metal box that could trap me. Irrational? Yes. I no longer have this fear. Elevators are now just fine. In fact I ride one everyday to get up into my apartment.

Cats - Many people hate cats. But fear them? Not so many. Although I do not have a fear of cats now, this has not always been true. I was terrified of cats. If I saw one I would cross the street, walk to other way, get into my car, walk into a random store, anything to get away from the beasts. I could have sworn they were out to get me. I would have dreams at night that cats would be jumping out of trees attacking me. I sit here now and laugh as I type this thinking, "how crazy!" But, seriously, cats were a big fear.

Sit near an exit - Working with anxiety taught me to always sit near an exit. I needed an escape. I needed to be able to get the heck out of there quickly. I think I now know how to get out of every building the fastest way possible. Although I do not have to sit near an exit now, I often do and recently realized it is just a habit for me to do so.

Hospitals - Hate ‘em. Yes, I am married to a future doctor. Yes, I do go visit sometimes. And yes, I still don't like it.

Doctor - We’ll talk about this in another post....

Public Transportation - Although I love it now, you couldn’t have forced me onto a bus 3 years ago. I would have rather been ran over by it than sitting on it. Rational huh?

Heights - I hate heights. Always have, probably always will.

Big Events - Concert? Blazer Game? Weddings? THE WORST. Before I was never able to attend these things, even small things like church was a chore. Now, I am able to go to these events. I still get anxious, but I know how to work with it better and know that I will survive.

Mice - Hate. Hate. Hate. Fear? Yes. Hate? Yes.

Waiting in Line - Oh the perils of shopping. Want to give an anxious person a panic attack? Make them stand in a line and wait. I can remember countless times that I left my entire cart of food in the line and just went to my car and left. (Sorry to all those people who had to put the food back!) I could not get myself to stand in that line and wait.


Sorry this is such a long post. I just wanted to give you a taste of everyday fears that I experienced and lived. People around you are living with these fears. In fact, 18 million just in America to be more specific.

Be patient. Be loving. 

*If this is you, don’t give up.....your not crazy. You are not alone.