Pride

Pride. If I were to choose one thing that people with anxiety suffer from the most, it would not be trouble breathing, or panic attacks, or sweating, or blacking out....I would say it is pride. When you struggle with anxiety you think ,"What if". "What if I panic in front of people?" "What if people found out?" "What if we do something that isn't planned and everyone sees me crumble?" All of these questions we ask ourselves are about what others will think. Now, please do not get me wrong. Without pride can you still have anxiety? ABSOLUTELY. Pride just plays a very large part.

I had been working out like crazy, praying all the time and not seeing much improvement. I could run 3 miles a day and still not sleep at night. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I remember my husband would say, "Sweetie, go to the doctor. They can help you, even if it is just recommending a counselor." Yea right, I would think to myself.  Going to the doctor felt like giving up/quitting - and I am NOT a quitter.

A month before my husband was to graduate from college he informed me that he was going to walk. Up until this point he had said he was not going to. I was excited for him and terrified for me. Not only was my anxiety bad, but in large venues was at it's worst. In all honesty, I knew if I didn't do something, I would not see my husband graduate. At that point I had to make a choice. Right after he told me this I walked away, locked myself in the bathroom and got in the shower. The shower was my hiding place. The place where I could cry and no one would know. I wanted him to think I was okay. I wanted him to have a normal wife.

I remember crying in the shower that night. Not just crying, but sobbing. I remember praying "God, I need you! I love Casey so much. I do not deserve him. He does not deserve a crazy wife!" I was so mad at myself. I felt like the few months of exercise and relaxation had been in vain. That is when I kept hearing Casey's voice in my head, "Erin, if you want to, go to the doctor. I am sure they can help."

I got out of the shower, laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up, after not sleeping well (that was nightly) and sat on the edge of the bed. "Casey?" I said. "I need to go to the doctor....something is wrong and I can't fix it." So, my loving husband took a day off of school and work and drove me to see the doctor.

I allowed pride to stand in the way of getting help for quite awhile. Whether you have anxiety or not, pride is a filthy thing to hold onto. Pride is the foundation to so many broken hearts, relationships, health problems, etc. Coming from a person who dealt heavily with pride........healing comes when your willing to set it down.