It has been several months. Am I healed? No. Do I still work with my anxiety a lot? Yes. Do I want it to be gone forever? You bet. Over and over I read that routine, good sleep and exercise help anxiety significantly. I have found this to always be true in my life. However, in the last two months a lot has changed and gone on which made my focus on this rather difficult. I am not working this year but finishing my Master's in Human Services with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Counseling. We are in the middle of 4th year med school residency interviews and will be until at least the end of January. Lots of travel. Okay, you are now updated. :)

I often forget about this blog, but recently several people have contacted me asking if I would write more as they struggle with anxiety. Last night I bought a book called "The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook." I'm excited to start this and learn more. As I work through this book I will do my best to write down what I learn, think, feel, ect. You are welcome to join me on this journey.

Erin

Snow Globes

I'm not sure why water and glitter trapped in a glass ball is so magical - it just is. Whenever I see a snow globe I properly, gently, turn the object until all of the glitter is resting at the top revealing a clear, uncluttered scene below. Even though it is beautiful as the glitter falls, you can't truly appreciate it, if you don't know the scene below.

During this season of life I have taken time to slowly turn my snow globe (life). Although I know the picture of my life below and have for a long time, I am just now, wiping away some of the glitter to see the details. Details that have and will forever change me.

I'm reading a book right now. I do that a lot - read. Never in my life have I read something and thought - "someone stole my soul and put it on paper." That is, until last weekend. I am 5 pages into this book and my snow globe of a life and been turned over quickly and is revealing my scene - my details. I cried through the first 5 pages, closed the book and prayed - "Thank you for putting someone out there to write my heart - someone braver than me."

So, this is me. I have thought about sharing this for 4 days and decided not to because it was too personal. However, this is my life and it might be yours too. This is a true, raw, honest, naked look at my soul and who I am. I did not write this, but it's as if I did.

                "My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am. I want to be perfect in every situation. I just do. I want to know what to do. I want to know how to do it right. And I want to do it. All. By. My. Big. Self. Not only do I want to do everything perfectly, I want to look perfect while doing it. I want to act perfect and sing perfect and have perfect teeth. I want to parent perfectly, to wife perfectly, and to have a clean house. All the time. 
                 My solution to the disconnect between my perfect, imaginary self and my real-life self is to force life to look the way I want. Somehow. Anyhow. And so I work and I labor and I do the right thing. I stay strong when I feel weak and I fake happy when I want to cry because my ideal image has everything to do with put together and nothing to do with falling apart. 
                  Because I care so much about what you think, my hiding has everything to do with you...If you wonder what gives you the authority to define me, I will say it is because you exist.....
                  This fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage. And so I am cautious in my love. I am timid in my faith. My life tells a small story, however, I feel safe when I'm invisible. So I stay a good girl. And I hide.
                  I hide behind my smile and my laid-back personality. I hide behind "fine" and "good". I hide behind strong and responsible. I hide behind busy and comfortable and working hard toward your expectations. And if I do not meet your expectations, I hide behind indifferent.......
                   I beg you to see me, to notice my goodness, to ignore my failure, to be inspired by my beauty, to be captivated by my essence. 
                    And then there is God. 
                   I know God is big enough to redeem the unruly, the rejected, and the addict. I know about the God who reaches way down into the pit and the One whose love stretches to the heavens. But I fear he misses the details. What about the girl in the middle?....
                   I'm not so sure, so I vow to do everything right: to be a good girl, a good Christian, a good wife...I try hard to measure up to what I believe are his expectations of me...
                   I feel fear. It washes over me with its lies and half-truths....When you reject me, be it real or perceived, I ponder and defend inside my head. And the fear wins a little more of my heart until I discover I am stuck by it, unable to move beyond it. My fear becomes my truth, and if you try to convince me otherwise, I am convinced that you just don't know. You are naive and I am a realist. You are too simple and I am complicated. You are wrong and I am right." 

It may sound ugly, but it's true. It's real. It's 100% how I find myself thinking. But since I read that, and the glitter was moved around so I could see the details, I know everything will change.

Step 1) Realizing you have a problem. - Pride in an ugly ugly way.
Step 2) Change it.

Stay Honest.

Erin

*Book "Grace for the Good Girl" by Emily P. Freeman

And because sign language is beautiful and this song fit perfectly........

Say What You Mean.....

Looking at your life honestly is something that is not anyone's favorite thing to do. We all have faults, failures, regrets, etc. We let people down, we let ourselves down. Why as a society are we so afraid to be wrong? To take responsibility? I'm certainly not immune to it. Here is what I mean....

"I don't have any regrets because everything has made me who I am today." 
                       Sweet thought but I'm going to call your bluff on that one. I have done things I absolutely regret and wish I never did/said/thought. Saying that is putting a bandaid on a scar - you can sure cover it up, but it will always be there. We don't have to live in the regrets, but why not just come out and say, "I screwed up."

"He/She mad me mad."
                       Not possible. You control your emotions. It doesn't mean that person wasn't insensitive or unkind, or just plain annoying, but you decide whether you are going to be mad. 

"Don't feel bad about anything that makes you smile." 
                       Seriously? That's is absurd. I have smiled or laughed one to many times AT people not with them. I have done things so ridiculously dumb I can't help but laugh, but that doesn't mean it was okay. I know what people are intending when they say this, but come on.......

"I'm sorry."
                       Woah! Hang on there Erin......this is something GOOD. Well, yes and no. My students and I have a joke/honest look on this. I always ask, "Are you sorry or just sorry you got caught?" Because here is the thing, saying sorry just to say it means you are lying. Don't say it unless you truly are. (Kid's are usually sorry they got caught :) )

"That was a bad time in my life."
                        That is an honest statement, but why do we phrase it like that? Like we were not attached to anything that happened during that time. 

This is on my mind for many reasons, but one is, I took responsibility for something today that was not easy. I earlier agreed to help a friend with something very important in the hopes that my anxiety would be sufficiently better - it's not. I contacted that friend and had to take responsibility. I had to honestly say, "I do not think I can do this right now. I am not where I want and need to be with my anxiety to help like I said I could. I am sorry."

Here's the kicker.......it made me feel terrible. That's right. I took responsibility and I felt like an awful person. I hate letting people down, but I value people more than lies I could tell. I still do not feel good about it. I feel bad that I said "yes" only to get their hopes up and than let them down. I feel like if I really was a good friend I would help, but I know that I am not in a place that I should right now.

Taking responsibility and being honest is not easy and sometimes it will make you feel worse. But I know, I would rather hear the truth than have someone throw around phrases they don't mean such as, "I'm sorry", "I love you" and "It wasn't my fault."

Here is my challenge to you - be honest. Instead of me saying, "My anxiety is bad today", I really should be saying, "I'm not doing well handling my anxiety today."

Just a thought from a guilty party....

Erin

Lost

LONG POST AHEAD:

The last few months have been rough. I went through some really tough stuff in January and February, which left March to catch my breath and April to sort some things out. Yes, I am very honest and share just about everything with you, however, because this is a public forum there are some issues I need to not share on this blog. But to catch you up, as I'm finding most of you do not know, I took a leave of absence from my teaching job at the end of February/beginning of March until the end of the school year.

Those of you that know me personally can attest that I am a very confident person. I always have been. I've never really questioned who I am or who I want to be. When I took a leave of absence from work, all of this changed. For several days I just cried. I felt like I abandoned my students. Due to the situation, I was unable to tell them I was leaving, say goodbye or wrap things up in a semi nice bow. I was broken. I pour everything I am into my students and to all of the sudden leave crushed my heart. I'm not being dramatic - this was probably up-to-date one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Yes, I am still sad it had to go that way, however, sadness moved to confusion. In severe cases of anxiety. without realizing, you allow it to make decisions for you. Driving was hard, eating was hard, sleeping was hard, talking to anyone was hard, leaving the house was hard, staying in the house was hard, EVERYTHING I once enjoyed and loved was now hard. I was left confused. Everything I once liked I now hated and did not enjoy, every dream I had I now feared, every belief that I was good at my job vanished. I was left with an empty feeling. Just a few weeks ago I told my husband - "I don't know who I am anymore."

I have been reading tons of books, self-help, biographies, etc. hoping to get insight on how to change all of this. I felt robbed. Something stole my identity and I was left grasping for straws.

All of this changed last night.

Last night at church, in my own quiet time, I was reminded of something important. It rang through my head so clear. "Erin, you have not lost who you are, what you love, your passions or your dreams. Remember, your identity is found Christ." Who I am and what I am passionate about has never changed. Medically, things have changed, mentally some things have changed, but overall, I was reminded that you cannot walk around feeling like something was stolen from you, when in all reality, you gave it away.

I allowed anxiety and past events to steal who I believe I am, what I am passionate about and what my soul longs for.  No, I am not cured or healed. I still have anxiety, I still have negative thoughts about myself pop into my head, but here is what I know to be true:

I am loved.
I am made for a purpose.
I am thankful.
I am grateful.
I am His.

Give the song a listen whether you believe or not - God is always good. 
 

 

Sunday - The Worst Day of the Week

I've been absent from the blog for awhile due to anxiety. If you are confused by that, it's fine....so am I. I have been getting better, not quite myself yet, but working hard to get there. My mind is clearer and I am enjoying my time of rest. I was brainstorming some new blog posts while on a walk and realized there is so much I haven't shared that I thought I have.Clarity of mind obviously helps! :) 

When I was working and struggling with anxiety something I absolutely hated, despised, dreaded, feared.....was Sunday. Most people think of Sunday as a day of rest, a day to get rejuvenated and a day to enjoy time off. If you have ever struggled with severe anxiety, Sundays are the opposite of that.

If you have ever struggled with severe, dabilitating anxiety, you know what Sunday means. Sunday means you wake up early even when you do not want to with a sinking feeling in your gut, sweaty palms, an upset stomach, and worst of all - a racing mind. Sunday you pray as hard as you can for the day to go by slow, the feelings to go away and the peace and rest to come. But, most often they don't. Why? Because tomorrow is Monday.

Monday means you have to face a whole new week with strength you don't think you have. Monday means you have to put a smile on your face and tell everyone you're fine when you feel like you have an anvil on your chest. Monday means you don't feel safe and constantly think terrible things are going to happen. Monday means.....

Many people hate their job, dread going to work, etc. - let's be clear, it is not the same thing. Most of the time people with anxiety feel all these things as well as guilt because they tell themselves "they shouldn't be feeling that way". You may hate your job and hate Mondays because you have to wake up early. People with severe anxiety don't wake up early on Monday's because they never went to sleep.

When I was really struggling I had to make my Sundays intentional. I had to wake up early, work out the longest that day, fill my day so I would stop staring at the clock. I would take my evenings slowly. I would read, watch relaxing tv or a movie and take a bath.I found that doing these things helped me significantly. But, so did one thing - choosing joy. On Monday I would get out of bed and the first thing I would say, out loud was, "I'm excited for work." Was I? No. Was I lying to make my body think I was? Yes.

Here's the deal, if you find that this is you, you should find somebody to talk to. You live once - that's it. Live it happy! I realized this week that my Sundays have changed from the worst day of the week to the best because I am excited for a new week. Excited to help others, love on people, and most importantly another  day closer to being anxiety free.

Rest

I grew up playing sports. I don't consider myself a natural athlete. Sports do not come easy to me - they take hard work. I dabbled in most sports, but my love was always for basketball. I loved the play basketball, watch basketball and listen to basketball. I wasn't an incredible player, but I loved it and it meant two things - working out and being with my dad.

My dad is an incredible man. I have never met someone who didn't like my dad. He is easy going, funny, comforting, has a great imagination and is super competitive. We definitely have that in common - competition. Basketball was a time where I got to either spend time with my dad (because he was my coach), sit with my dad and/or talk with my dad. Even though it seemed like "just another sport" to some people, to me it was more.

That said, I was raised always working out in some way or another. I set goals, worked hard and hated to lose. That is still true for me today.

In the winter of 2011 I decided that I really wanted to run a half marathon. A few things you should know - I was not a runner, I hated to run and I got bored REALLY easily. But, my mind was made up and I was going to do it. I started training for in January for a half marathon in June. Six months is truly adequate time to train, however, if you live in the Northwest you know that this can become difficult as it rains......a lot. I ran rain or shine. I had set a goal to run the entire race, not stopping once and at a 10 minute pace. However, there is something about running I didn't know much about and that was pacing myself. My body was not used to running, but I took off like I had been running for years. Needless to say, I hurt my hip about 5 weeks before the race. I went to the doctor and they were not sure what was wrong but said I should not run on it anymore. haha yea right. I didn't train for nothing. So, I kept running. It helped with my anxiety, and it allowed me to spend time with my "dad".

As I ran I did a lot of praying. I would listen to worship music and just talk to God like I did my dad. For me it was no longer just running, it was something I needed. The race day came and I ran. I ran the whole way and I ran at a 10 minute pace. By the end of the race I couldn't move my right leg due to my hip killing me and I had a shoe pooled with blood from a blister the size of a golf ball. (TMI?) Motivation? I had a lot of it. Moderation? I had none.

For the last few weeks I have started looking at my life and realizing that I live the same way. I am motivated to do anything and everything, but I do not have much moderation. Holley Gerth says it best:

"One reason is a myth that says, "It's selfish to take care of myself." Oh, most of us would check "false" on that one if we had a test in front of us. But, when we look at how we live, the answer seems quite different. We just talked about running your own race, and every athlete knows that self-care is essential to crossing the finish line well. In much the same way, taking care of yourself is going to be important to accomplishing....filling God's purpose for your life, and loving the people in a your life well."

For the last few months I really was lacking moderation. I had motivation to get better - all the motivation in the world, but no moderation. I wanted to be the best teacher, so I was staying up way to late grading papers and planning lessons. I wanted to be the best wife, so I tried too hard to make sure everything was clean and in order. I wanted to have the best body, so I spent time working out and eating less. I ran on empty physically, mentally and spiritually and soon was not good at any of these things.

Just like after running the race, my body needed time to heal. I still have trouble running because my hip is still injured from not caring for it. I don't want that to be the case forever in my life. I don't want to constantly be walking through life limping with anxiety because I didn't time to rest and heal. Sometimes we have to take a step back and see life for what it is, not how much we can do.

Rest and heal.  

March

People say to me how brave I am for sharing my story and how honest I am. Let's clear some things up. Yes, I am honest....to a fault, but, I am not brave. I don't share my story with you because I somehow have more strength than someone else. I share my story because anxiety is a silent illness. No one wants to talk about it, ask questions about it, or admit they struggle with it.

All of us have issues, mine is anxiety, your's may be depression, anger, body image, perfectionism, loneliness, consequences of past choices, etc. The point is this - stop hiding. We all are struggling. If one person gets anything from my story that makes their life better it will have been worth sharing it. But let's be clear, it is WAY out of my comfort zone to share my life, my struggles, my hurts, my joys, but countless emails remind me why I share.

The last month has been difficult. Due to my increasing anxiety I was unable to begin working full days again. A very long story later, I have taken a leave of absence for the remainder of the year. For the first three days I just cried. My family was amazing as well as my husband during this time. It is now my 3rd week off and here I am. Working with my anxiety, trying to find a better medication, learning to better control panic attacks, and most of all doing something I'm not good at - taking time for me.

I'm reading a book right now called, "You're Already Amazing". So many things she talks about is an arrow to the depths of my heart. A few things....

"Emotions make great messengers but bad bosses."

"Your emotions have nothing to do with your reality right now."

"Life's hard. We get hurt. That means sometimes what we need most is for God to stop us right in the middle of our road as we limp along and say,"Daughter, sit down. Rest. Heal. Let me tend to your wounds."

The last one is me right now. Life is proving difficult and what I need most is for God to step in and get my attention and tell me to rest and tend to my wounds. And he did. I now have time to think, shower, eat, take care of me. More about this tomorrow.....but for now, look at your life. Do you need a break? Take care of yourself or you can't take care of others.